PTSD

Since things have calmed down regarding the recent therapy debacle, I apparently decided to entertain myself by letting PTSD symptoms run rampant.  Today has been a running flashback.  I think I’ve spent more time in the past than the present.  The psychological symptoms are obvious, but the physical symptoms get in the way, too.  I [...]

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Survivors

That’s what they call those of us who’ve lived through childhood trauma.  I do not feel like a survivor today.  I feel like somebody un-surviving.  For the past few weeks, it’s been like I’m living in a flashback.  Bad memories keep popping up, and I can’t seem to push them back anymore.  These aren’t new [...]

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Messiness

I got a text message from my best friend tonight.  This is not unusual, of course.  What *is* unusual, though, is my missing a text from him.  This did not go over well with Lily.  Or with me, really.  I guess it’s an abandonment/major losses thing– whenever I miss the small things that happen in [...]

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Change of Heart?

I’ve always hated December.  As any SRA survivor will tell you, December brings some ‘interesting’ issues.  Why, then, am I wishing December of last year had never ended? I dearly missed going to see my family-of-choice, and I’m working toward getting up to see them soon.  Still, Christmas comforted me somehow, and lighting the menorah [...]

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So There!

My former therapist was amazing.  She let me talk at my own pace.  She pushed just enough, but for the most part, she just let me talk.  She let me tell my story as best I could.  I can’t thank her enough for that.  Unfortunately, I go to a subsidised mental health clinic.  My old [...]

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Quick Update

For those of you following this blog via RSS or just stopping by from time to time, I wanted to let you know I’m still about and quite near functional most of the time.  The past, present and future has looked a bit daunting for some time.  It’s still rather like that, but there is [...]

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Blurry

That’s the best way to describe how I’ve felt lately.  Perhaps that’s been the best way for me to feel anyway. One of the most effective methods used by cults is isolation.  Make the cult member feel like they have no other options or no better options, and they’ll stay in the ‘family’ forever.  Even [...]

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Nostalgia

Here, on the other side of my night of panic, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.  Nostalgia can be a powerful thing.  It can wrap you up in the past so badly that you forget to live the present.  But, it can also motivate you.  It can help you see the patterns in your life that [...]

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Reconnecting

One of my earliest memories is very traumatic, but it ended with probably the most beautiful experience I’ll ever have.  I remember being in a room next to one where my brother was being beaten.  I had been thrown out of the room and told that my brother would be killed if I came back [...]

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Comfort

People with DID tend to have quite alot of difficulty with the concept of time.  Portions of days, weeks, months, or even longer, go missing on occasion.  The SRA bit complicates things even further, and this week has really made that clear for me.  I can’t quite explain the specifics of that, as I’m having [...]

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