In A Sense…

I was up most of the night last night dealing with grief issues from the loss of someone very close to me about a year and a half ago.  My feelings regarding this loss come and go.  They’re always lurking nearby, but I’ve regained my ability to get through days at a time without feeling like I’m being crushed every thirty seconds or so.  Then there are days like yesterday when something close to my own experience brings everything rushing back and I get stuck again.

My own little beliefs on the afterlife involve reincarnation– I don’t think there is a definite end or beginning to things, but rather a continuous cycle.  If you’re interested, the post I wrote earlier called Peace goes in to more detail on this. I won’t repeat all of it here.

I truly feel like we can *sense* people we love, living or dead.  For example, I somehow knew about my brother-of-choice seven years before we actually started corresponding.  I wrote in my journal all those years before that a man who was a bit older than me and located in that particular geographic region would come into my life and make it better.  When we first started chatting it didn’t even occur to me that the person had found their way in, and our meeting was, on the surface, rather random.  I don’t think it was quite as random as it seemed– our parts of the Universal Mind were always meant to piece back together.  I believe our souls, subconscious minds, or whatever term you’d like to use, have been travelling along together for centuries and simply pieced together again at the right time in this part of their life cycles.  I don’t mean that in a romantic way at all.  I’m talking about existence on what alot of people call the astral level, where the notion of romance isn’t what defines things like this.  So that said, even though we don’t live close together, I can sense my brother-of-choice sometimes.  It’s like becoming aware that his pattern of energy is nearby.

Now back to grief issues– for the past several weeks, I have *sensed* the person I lost being near me.  I woke up one morning literally feeling his weight on my chest and speaking to him, welcoming him back.  I heard his voice, felt his hands, and felt myself so relieved and happy that it had all been a horrible nightmare and he was back.  Then he seemed to just fade away, and things were back to this new version of normal.  The feeling stuck with me, though, throughout the next few days.  I phoned a friend who had faced a similar loss, and he told me many others had had experiences like that.  He called them hallucinations, but I prefer to think of them as something more.

Yesterday it was a poem that set me off about this particular loss.  Yes, the poem was fictitious, but it struck a chord in me.  It didn’t really hit me until last night, and then I just felt cold inside and out.  It was like the spirit of the person I lost, his particular pattern of energy, was in some sort of pain.  I’ve worried so much about this person’s existence.  Even though I’d lost people before, this particular loss really made me look at those afterlife questions.  I’d like to think that he’s OK, and that his part of the Universal Mind is simply searching for its next physical state of being.

I wear a ring that belonged to this person on a chain around my neck.  Every night, I take off the necklace and place it in a little box on my bedside table.  Every morning it’s one of the first things I put back on.  This morning, however, the necklace was lying on the bed next to me, and the chain had been absolutely shredded on one end.  It wasn’t broken so much as unravelled.  I’m trying not to guess at the implications of this.

To Andy, then, wherever you are.  If you can somehow read this, please know I’m thinking of you and that, if it’s possible at all, my part of the Universal Mind will find yours again someday.  All my love…

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