Saying Goodbye

Something…odd…has been going on in my system lately. Including me, there have been five adults basically running things since I found out about the others. At first one seemed much more in control than the others, and then, once I got a bit more accustomed to the whole idea of being multiple, they drifted back into their own jobs.

Early this morning, one of this main group integrated, and I miss her in a strange way. Rainn, a sixteen year old Irish girl, was the first person I actually met. Hers wasn’t the first voice I heard, but she introduced me to the others and helped explain the organisation of the system. Lately, though, she had been acting strange. Instead of working *for* the system, she was almost antagonistic. She kept throwing large amounts of anger at me and the others, and none of us had a clue as to what was going on with her.

For some time the main protector, L, had intended to call us into an internal meeting to discuss things. I had requested that we wait for a bit to give my external life a chance to calm down, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We met this morning, and Rainn explained her side. She’d been slowly withdrawing from the system in preparation to integrate, and the idea of it was making her nervous and scared at the same time. Everyone agreed that she would be welcome to stay a part of things, but she insisted that it was her time to integrate.

And integrate she did. It was an odd process. Soon after I found out about the others several ‘minor players’ as L called them, offered up their memories and went away. This was the first time I’d been involved in a conscious process of integration. It was a bit simpler than I thought.

Rainn’s main function was to assist with our transatlantic move. She was also involved in working as a sort of buffer/translator for an internal set of twins who went through some of the Really Bad Stuff. The transatlantic move has long been completed and, because of the dramatic change in circumstances since then, Rainn’s task of making everything appear ‘normal’ (for lack of better terms) is no longer necessary. The protective mechanism that she kept in place is not needed. As for the twins, they very recently explained part of their story to my best friend, interacting with the external world for the first time. They’re developing a voice of their own, which is an amazing event in itself.

As I get stronger and better able to cope with the reality that the abuse really did happen to me, I need less and less internal assistance. Still, unless they are working for the wrong side, alters will not be forced to integrate. Rainn was so close to me that we almost functioned as one. I’m amazed by this, but when she saw that I no longer needed a double, she decided to pass along the rest of her knowledge to me and let go. Alters don’t die– in my system they simply join with my mind to the point that there is no separation, no separate name or mannerism– just one mind becoming whole. In my opinion, integration means reclaiming parts of your mind, sort of like putting the pieces of a puzzle back in place. A very significant piece of my puzzle is back in place, and I’ll always be grateful to her for helping me reach this point.

More on the whole process of integration later.

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