Or month so far, as it were. May is not turning out to be lovely.
On an emotional level, this week has been much better than last. The grief issues are, for the moment, being pushed out of my mind. The problem is what they’re being pushed out by. My graduate studies are coming down to an eight-hour exam and the mercy of a committee, and I am starting to go completely mad preparing for this. I’m also kicking myself for not starting to study MUCH sooner. If I fail this exam, I fail my graduate programme, simply put. No pressure.
No idea why, as this is probably the most important exam of my life so far, but I keep putting things off. It feels like overwhelm or dread or something, but I’m guessing it’s also my lovely SRA background creeping up almost unnoticed.
I’m confident enough to say I’m a relatively intelligent person. I’m also confident enough to say I’ve done well in my studies. This exam, however, is throwing me. I feel like I’m trying to re-learn everything from the past couple of years in the matter of a few short weeks. One of my internal people, L, keeps reminding me that even though I started studying specifically for this exam a bit late, I’ve actually been preparing for it throughout my graduate studies. I have a decent foundation; it’s just the specifics at the moment that are really bothering me.
So what does one do in a situation like this? My strategy (after spending an appropriate amount of time panicking) is to push away the overwhelm as much as possible and just keep digging through. Lights at end of tunnel and all that.
This blog, then, might get rather boring over the next few weeks, as I will be spending at least 28 hours a day studying (yes, I know that’s impossible…)
Any positive thoughts or whatever your spiritual beliefs allow for luck, and support please send them my way. And when this exam is over, provided I actually pass, expect a post in all caps with many, many, misspelled words and emoticons. Fingers crossed!