Or something of the sort.
My mind seems to be working against me these days. I keep having these random flashbacks for which I can’t find triggers, at least in the moment. Over the years I’ve become really good at realising when a situation is going to set me off and getting out of that situation. Sure, I sometimes get caught up in things still, but it’s been better. Now, though, completely unrelated things keep starting chains of memories that leave me zoned out beyond comprehension. As I wrote in an earlier post it’s infuriating when things that should be good turn into flashbacks.
Some days I feel very old. Perhaps it’s an older alter close to the front, but sometimes I think it’s just tiredness. There’s such a thing as body memories, that information stored in the body independently from the mind. Oddly, when certain flashbacks come for a visit, these body memories can be triggered. It’s the reason a few years ago I woke up with my hands bruised and cramping so much I could barely move them. My doctor was puzzled– he saw old injuries on x-ray, but nothing that would cause issues in the present. Seeing that x-ray brought my mind back to when the injuries were fresh, though, and I was surprised that I drove home safely.
Many of you who are trauma survivors will probably recognise this. I just feel the need to shut my mind off sometimes and take a break from things for a while. I’m not suicidal or even close to that; I’m just tired. A reasonable question would be why not let an alter take over for a bit so I can go internal and get some rest. The problem with that is, although it was absolutely necessary when I was growing up, dissociation isn’t so necessary now. I don’t need to lean on DID simply because I need a break. It’s definitely tempting sometimes, though.