This is actually *not* going to be a depressing post. I think I owe the blogging world an apology– every post I’ve written lately has had a tone of complaint to it. I’m usually a fairly optimistic person, but the radiation of my sunny smile has definitely not blinded anyone lately. In short, I have been a grump, and I’m hoping the random thought process I used to suss this out might strike a chord for someone else.
I’m a fixer– if there is a problem, there absolutely *must* be a solution. However, with the mental health stuff, sometimes it seems the thing to do is to keep your mind off whatever is going on until the intensity lessens a bit. There are things in our lives that, and it pains me to say this, we cannot fix. We can make them better and adjust our perspective so that we incorporate the experiences into our norms, but without a time machine we can’t always fix things at the source.
For me, being a fixer shows up as a need to *do* something, and I’ve come to the hard realisation that if I don’t channel that into something productive I will get stuck in whatever problem is swimming through my mind. Lately I’ve been going over a particular issue constantly, trying to make sense of something that has no rational explanation. It’s kept me from sleeping, as my mind has been whirring about all night, and when I do sleep, it causes nightmares. It’s brought back some rather nasty physical symptoms as well and has zapped every last bit of mental resources I’ve built up from time to time. In essence, my entire life has become centred around this situation, just as it had in the weeks and months just after.
Last night I came to another hard realisation– sometimes the solution is to force yourself to stop thinking about something and focus your mind on what needs to be done in the present. It is ridiculously difficult to do that when your mind is constantly trying to drag you back into whatever situation you’re facing. It’s physically exhausting, which can somewhat defeat the purpose of trying to keep the present on track. And, when the situation was truly life-changing, you’ve got the added task of rebuilding things into some semblance of order that at least makes sense to you. Meanwhile, the world carries on (as it should) as though nothing has changed. *You’ve* changed beyond your own comprehension, but you’ve got to live in the same world you lived in before. It’s quite the paradox.
Moreover, some things are simply not fair, and no matter how many times you work them over in your mind, they remain unfair. I’m not saying that in the sense an angered five-year-old would. It’s just a statement of fact. And I’m still not even close to the point of actually accepting the situation that’s been stuck in my mind. I’m just attempting to move past it at the moment and carry on with life until the next wave comes along.
See– optimism. 🙂