I spent last week with my FOC and was reminded, as always, of the great difference they have made in my life. I met my brother-of-choice in an online group for significant others of people with DID, while trying to find information to help my DID mother. It has been my honour and pleasure to have met his immediate family since then and to have been accepted as part of them. His lovely wife is my sister in every way other than biologically, and his parents felt like parents to me from the first time I met them. As I think I said in an earlier post, they are the people who taught me what family should be, and I’ll always be grateful for that.
The reality that is my daily life does not make sense when I look at it in terms of what being with my FOC feels like. I’m stuck in a situation that is incredibly like my less-than-great past, and I know this isn’t where I belong. However, I cannot seem to break away from the pattern I’ve fallen in, and that is the most frustrating situation I’ve ever faced. It’s odd– you find a place to belong, people who love you, and an environment that makes you feel safe. Then you do everything you can to make sure you don’t allow yourself to start a life there. Makes sense, right? Argh.
This is common for trauma survivors in general, and my SRA background adds a complication. I’ve still got some nifty little programming in there that’s preventing my moving forward, and I have absolutely no idea of where in the system it’s located or what specific type of programming it is. In other words, I’ve hit a mental speed bump. It’s absolutely up to me to find the things I need to go forward from here. It’s also up to me to allow myself this path. But in the meantime, as a friend of mine says, this sucks out loud.
Here’s to moving on.