The title to yet another Del Amitri song that I love. Part of the bridge to that song goes ‘Wet feet visit the same old places. Finding nothing new. It’s a bin full of tissues from made-up faces in a town full of nothing to do.’ That’s certainly ringing true for me these days. I am clawing my way out of my current living situation, and I don’t care if my room-mates read every word of this. It’s not like my efforts are new, or even secretive for that matter.
Recently, I had a conversation with a dear friend who said some things that upset me at first but that, when I’d considered them more deeply, motivated me. This friend and his family have really tried to help me move on from my past and the not-so-pleasant present. They’ve also watched my plans fall through, some from my own actions and some from other circumstances, time and again. But, as I hear constantly, change comes from within. And as my friend would advise, you only hear things when you’re ready to hear them.
Let’s forget about the SRA bit for a minute and look at this from a ‘normal’ abuse scenario. People who are abused sometimes find themselves repeating the same patterns or keeping themselves in the same environments. In other words, we sometimes look for perps and chaotic lives. It’s what has become normal to us, and we don’t have to worry about when the next instance of abuse will occur if we keep ourselves in that situation overall. Already, there are patterns and history to get past. There are major lifestyle changes that, although they will lead to a better life, are very frightening and feel incredibly risky. Trust never comes easily for survivors, and taking a leap out into the world certainly requires having faith that things will work out. Not easy.
Back to the SRA bit. As I talked about in another post, SRA involves programming, some of which is put in there to keep the person from leaving the cult. I’ve been both fortunate and unfortunate to have learned how to disable some of my own programming. Fortunate because it’s a really difficult thing to do. Unfortunate because I only learned that stuff by being really high up in the cult’s ranks. With this moving away from here bit, I’ve hit a block of programming that I can’t quite locate or diffuse, although I’m getting closer.
For any SRA survivor out there who has found him/herself in a similar situation, my best advice to you is to move toward your goal of getting safe without stopping to ask questions. Use the cult’s mentality in your favour– act, don’t think. Work first and then analyse later, when you’re in a safer spot. *Much* easier said than done, as I can say from in the midst of it.