What a crazy week this has been! At some point, Sunday maybe? Monday? my best friend met with someone who at least looked like me. Several hours after they/we got together, I became present and absolutely confused. We were in a park where we frequently hang out, but I didn’t remember being there. No problem– we’d only been there a few hours. Anyway, my best friend tells me he spoke first with Lily, a really odd alter called Somebody, then Mairead popped up and L also made an appearance before I joined the evening’s activities. I have almost no idea of what went on between my best friend and my internal folk, so it’s a good thing I trust him and have learned to give way some control to them.
And speaking of internal folk, it’s been a bit of a week in there as well. *Something* is going on, and I’m not quite sure what. I just know it feels incredibly unsettling, and my paranoia is ridiculous. Maybe it has something to do with realising that control does slip away from me from time to time. Not pretty. Also, I feel like there’s been competing personalities. People are rather alot more active externally these days, and that’s led to a sort of struggle for ‘outside’ time. My best friend, bless him, takes everything in stride.
Have any of you ever dealt with what I’m calling competing personalities? Have you ever felt stuck between personalities or like you don’t even exist at all? Only slightly unsettling.
What’s really got up my nose about this is how it affected the time I spent with my FOC recently. A few posts back I mentioned feeling safe and happy for the first time in quite a while. That lasted only until I got back to where I’m living. Now I feel sort of floating and unsure of where I should land. At least *I* feel like that. Who knows what other people think.
There are so many decisions to be made at this point, and getting an internal concensus, even among the main group, seems a bit impossible. Turns out I’m not quite as accustomed to this multiplicity bit as I thought. Growing up around it is nothing compared to actually dealing with it yourself.