People with DID tend to have quite alot of difficulty with the concept of time. Portions of days, weeks, months, or even longer, go missing on occasion. The SRA bit complicates things even further, and this week has really made that clear for me. I can’t quite explain the specifics of that, as I’m having a hard time putting it into words. However, I got caught up in this feeling of everything hurdling quickly towards a violent end. I felt like I’d lost the chance to start my own life, and I was dangerously close to surrendering to the cult completely.
One of my internal folk was always good at grounding me when things like this happened, but she integrated a bit ago and I couldn’t remember what she used to say to set things right again. In what has to be one of the most poignant experiences I’ve had with multiplicity so far, someone inside wrote out those words for me. This is an alter who struggles to even consider the possibility of a better life outside of the cult. He and his twin are always terrified and exist almost as shadows, as I explained in an earlier post. Still, he managed to overcome his fear in order to help me. These words are always a great comfort to me, so I wanted to write them out here in hopes that they might provide a bit of comfort and grounding for someone else as well:
‘There is no beginning and will be no end. We are and will always be connected with each other. We have lived many lives and will live many more. *We* are the Universe and we will always be. Everything we know or will ever need to know is within us. Everything circles and spirals in timeless loops. We see our past lives, and one day we will see our own lives as connected to each other. We are all one mind, one consciousness, and we continue on. We are the same. Our energies are all connected, and we will and have existed for always. Our universe is merely recycled– what we are is what we always have been and what we always will be. We are beings of love, light, and energy intimately connected with ourselves and all others throughout time, existing simultaneously as one in past, present, and future.’