Empty

Something’s wrong.  That’s the refrain that keeps running through my mind.  I’ve at least got a small clue of which internal person is broadcasting this message, but if I’ve learned anything about my systems in the past two years, it’s that things frequently take me by surprise.

I’m not moving forward, even though I truly thought I was.  It’s odd.  The days *seem* full, but nothing gets done.  I do work in small bursts that are productive in the moment, but they don’t add up to enough to make a real difference over all.  Thinking over this equation for a bit this afternoon, I came to the stark realisation that I am working on absolutely nothing.  I can’t focus, because if I stop for one minute to actually focus on things that will push me forward, that constant refrain of ‘something’s wrong’ starts pounding through my head.  School work goes undone, job applications and sent out resumes go without follow-ups, opportunities are passed up, and some projects remain mere ideas.

I feel like time is frozen.  Like it isn’t moving at all, and the world over all has stopped.  When it hits me that time really *is* passing, I panic.  Maybe *I’m* stuck.  Maybe I’ve put a big black X over myself, as my therapist suggested I’d done, and have decided there isn’t a future for me at all.

While making the relatively long drive back from my FOC’s area recently, I got the feeling of ‘this is all there is.’  Something in me resigned at that point, and I just want that feeling to lift.  I just don’t know how to help it lift.  Everything feels chaotic, and I’m walking around in a sort of dream-state where the edges of reality are blurred.  It’s like I’m watching my life and the lives of those around me from outside.  Extreme dissociation or something.  I feel like I don’t exist any more, like my life really *did* end some time recently.

And then, in those brief moments when I step back in to time and see how much of it has passed by, I panic.  It’s like I’m running some never-ending race, but at the end I’ll find that it was over before it started.  Even as I write this, the voice in my head is whispering ‘I’m scared.  Something’s wrong.  I’m scared.’  I am so tired of hearing this stupid refrain and so tired of feeling as though I’ve stepped outside of existence.

Maybe forcing myself in to a routine will help.  I’m relatively certain finding a therapist who at least *believes* in DID would help, too.  What I need is to get to a point where I can have my own space and build my own life.  Sort of like reclaiming my autonomy or something.  All I know for now is that this feeling is incredibly scary, and that I’m not at all sure how to even begin diffusing it.

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2 thoughts on “Empty

  1. Oh I know that constant inner refrain, it’s what I run from all the time. I know this is why I keep myself so incredibly busy; I have about 10 projects in the works at any one time. There is always that feeling of hurry up–as if I’m about to miss some important deadline.

    I know I’m too slow, I will never meet this deadline especially since I don’t even know what it’s all about.

    Thanks for this post, it’s good to know someone else out there knows exactly what it’s like to feel so driven, and so frustrated by the sinking realization that some things can’t be outrun.

  2. beautiful dreamer– you’re a very eloquent writer. Thanks for the comment. I’m glad the post helped you feel less alone. Your comment did the same for me. That driven-but-stuck feeling is so bloody confusing that it surprised me that *anyone* would understand. This is why the Internet and blogging can be so wonderful– we build connections and find support in places we’d never have been able to look.

    Take care and be easy with your self (or selves, as the case may be).

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