Something’s wrong. That’s the refrain that keeps running through my mind. I’ve at least got a small clue of which internal person is broadcasting this message, but if I’ve learned anything about my systems in the past two years, it’s that things frequently take me by surprise.
I’m not moving forward, even though I truly thought I was. It’s odd. The days *seem* full, but nothing gets done. I do work in small bursts that are productive in the moment, but they don’t add up to enough to make a real difference over all. Thinking over this equation for a bit this afternoon, I came to the stark realisation that I am working on absolutely nothing. I can’t focus, because if I stop for one minute to actually focus on things that will push me forward, that constant refrain of ‘something’s wrong’ starts pounding through my head. School work goes undone, job applications and sent out resumes go without follow-ups, opportunities are passed up, and some projects remain mere ideas.
I feel like time is frozen. Like it isn’t moving at all, and the world over all has stopped. When it hits me that time really *is* passing, I panic. Maybe *I’m* stuck. Maybe I’ve put a big black X over myself, as my therapist suggested I’d done, and have decided there isn’t a future for me at all.
While making the relatively long drive back from my FOC’s area recently, I got the feeling of ‘this is all there is.’ Something in me resigned at that point, and I just want that feeling to lift. I just don’t know how to help it lift. Everything feels chaotic, and I’m walking around in a sort of dream-state where the edges of reality are blurred. It’s like I’m watching my life and the lives of those around me from outside. Extreme dissociation or something. I feel like I don’t exist any more, like my life really *did* end some time recently.
And then, in those brief moments when I step back in to time and see how much of it has passed by, I panic. It’s like I’m running some never-ending race, but at the end I’ll find that it was over before it started. Even as I write this, the voice in my head is whispering ‘I’m scared. Something’s wrong. I’m scared.’ I am so tired of hearing this stupid refrain and so tired of feeling as though I’ve stepped outside of existence.
Maybe forcing myself in to a routine will help. I’m relatively certain finding a therapist who at least *believes* in DID would help, too. What I need is to get to a point where I can have my own space and build my own life. Sort of like reclaiming my autonomy or something. All I know for now is that this feeling is incredibly scary, and that I’m not at all sure how to even begin diffusing it.