I say otherworldly because I’ve been having *horrible* hallucinations. Last night I saw the skin melt off of a woman sitting in a lounge chair. The skeleton remained. Mind you, there was nothing in the chair at all and I was perfectly aware of that. It still terrified me.
Things only got more interesting as the night drifted into very early morning. After struggling with a particularly nasty internal voice for an hour, I finally relented and text messaged my best friend. The voice kept telling me that They (cult members) had already won, so I should just finish things off physically and start again. It kept telling me that life was over anyway– even if I break free entirely from Them, it’s too late, really, for me to make anything of my life. As we’ve been unemployed for an uncharacteristically long time and are having trouble keeping the important things on track, *everyone* internally fell in to a mad panic. One ISH disappeared completely. I have a feeling she was trying to take care of the children, but only one or two of them remained quiet. Lily was absolutely howling, which further hampered my ability to think clearly.
I started feeling trapped. I felt water rising above my shoulders and filling my lungs. Awen was screaming, her eerie voice sounding like the banshees of Celtic mythology. All I could think about was being trapped and realising that things were over. Life was over. *They* were taking me from the inside out. I’m still not sure they aren’t succeeding in that. My best friend pointed out that this was my cult-loyal insiders working very well. My guess is that they had external assistance, and they likely still do.
Today is slightly better. There are only a couple of internal voices– everyone else is, I assume, in hiding. L is present, but he’s distant. No hallucinations so far, but quite alot of paranoia. *They* are reasonably quiet, too. They’re still working hard at their jobs, but it’s more subtle today. I’m not sure if that is a good sign. Perhaps They accomplished more yesterday than I can tell for now.
I need to find that place inside where I’m safe, but all I see inside is black.