Fallout

Ever been hit so hard by your Stuff that it prevents you concentrating on anything else?

At my therapy session last week, we spoke very briefly about the goodbye letters I wrote as part of the grief therapy bit in my treatment plan.  We did not get in to detail in the least, as I’m working on something rather important at the moment and neither I nor my therapist wanted to dredge up things that will take quite alot of work.  My Stuff, however, has a different perspective on this.  It keeps popping by for not-so-brief visits anyway, and I’m trying to figure out a way to keep it from taking over for long periods of time.

Yesterday, for example, I got stuck in to the project I was working on and some silly little detail reminded me of my father.  Our relationship was complex, to understate it terribly, so the issues surrounding his death are a bit sticky as well.  I’ve done a fine job putting those bits away for the past four years, but my Stuff is apparently bored or lonely now.  It was just a tiny little detail that brought about his memory– he loved studying history, and the piece I was reading fell under that category– but I spent the next two hours in a fog and finally stopped trying to study when I realised I’d read the same paragraph at least five times and still had no idea of its meaning.

My brother-of-choice, whose word I trust absolutely, told me just after my mother’s death that there are times in life when we need to let our emotions guide us for a bit.  That is such a difficult task, especially for those of us who are so analytical and insistent on self-control that it hurts our progress sometimes.  The fact that I’m newly grieving over old losses complicates the situation a bit further even.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s good to allow grief a bit of time and space.  Lately, my problem has been stopping it taking over *all* of the space in my mind.  The obvious answer to this problem is to feel the grief when it hits and allow myself whatever safe release seems best at that time.  And as soon as I’ve single-handedly brought about world peace, I’ll get started on that.

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2 thoughts on “Fallout

  1. this is a hard one. for me, it’s especially hard when it seems to come out of the blue, when i’ll be going along all fine, and then all of a sudden, i’m doubled over with the pain/grief. sometimes literally.

    sometimes–not always, but sometimes–it can be helpful for me to commit a set amount of time each day to process through it. usually for me this is about half an hour. i spend that half hour totally focused on it (well, specifically, letting whichever part come out to focus on it) and at other times, it stays closed off. it’s the only way some parts have been willing to put things away, if they know they’re allowed to process for a set amount of time daily.

    i hope you find a way of easing this, and being able to not have it fill up your life.

  2. Indeed. The ‘out of the blue’ bits can really knock you on your bum. I think you’re on the right track with setting aside a bit of time each day. Perhaps if you give it space, it will be more willing to leave some space for you.

    Thanks for the good wishes. My best to you as well.

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