Yesterday was one of those Really Bad Days for me and many other SRA survivors, due in large part to the alignment of Jupiter and Venus with the crescent moon. One of the *things* in SRA is looking for signs in the sky that will signal the start of Really Bad Times. Naturally, I got triggered almost immediately upon learning that this event was going to happen.
When I get scared of something, my first instinct is almost always to research it further. The exception to that is actual cult programming and cult propaganda, for lack of better terms. This astrological event was talked about in mainstream society, in that many news shows and scientific news feeds online were giving stats, et. c., so I looked at it further. Bad idea. I did learn that the event, which is actually called an occultation, has definitely happened before. It inspired Michelangelo all those years ago, and Coleridge back in the British Romantic era. The last time it happened was 1961, and it’s forecast to happen again in 2032. I *know* these things, just as I know scientists and astrologers could predict this occurrence years ago as well. Still, because my mind was conditioned so well, it points me toward a downward spiral through SRA-land. I paired the astrological alignment with current events, prophecies, and programming so well that I was certain I’d be dragged away in to the cult’s plans again.
Good thing I had therapy yesterday morning.
Unfortunately for me, the therapist who is always prodding me to express my emotions told me that talking about things relating to the day wouldn’t help. Forget programming. If one’s head explodes, programming becomes ineffective. I agree that the focus of the session should not have been entirely on how the planetary alignment was affecting me, especially as my therapist doesn’t believe in multiplicity or SRA. However, for the first time in therapy, I stated openly that I was angry, frustrated, and terrified by the situation. Her response was that talking about it wasn’t helping. Instead, I watched her work through my records in an attempt to learn more about the computerised record system the clinic just instated. She’s usually very helpful, so I’m not at all sure what happened in this case.
Here’s where the session went greatly wrong on my part– I should have been more aggressive in stating my need to talk about things. I wanted to talk about the anger and frustration, and I wanted to explain some of the cult logic that led to my thought patterns. She does, after all, believe in cults and satanism, just not organised ritual abuse. Another thing that makes my head explode. I did tell her I needed help reconciling my thoughts and emotions regarding this issue. She assured me that talking about things wouldn’t help. I feel much better now. Argh. The therapist who is constantly encouraging me to show emotions in her office got so visibly uncomfortable when I appeared a bit more animated than usual that she told me we should change the subject.
My goal is to actually *deal* with this stuff for once, not shove it back until the time is right to deal with it. The time will *never* be right. There will always be hesitation and discomfort in bringing up these issues. I really wanted to deal with them in the moment and try to diffuse some of the current upheaval so that I’d be stronger in facing the rest of the day and the events of that night.
Talking about it, however, won’t help.