I’m in my late twenties, but most of the time I still feel stuck in my teenage years. My twenties have definitely been tumultuous. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling. Maybe it’s like my twenties are on pause. I’d really hate to stay a decade behind from here on out, though.
During the last therapy session, my therapist mentioned something about the little girl part of my mind being stuck in a certain flashback and re-experiencing that moment all over again. I had a *tremendously* difficult time keeping Lily from popping up to say hello– I’m still not certain of the therapist’s beliefs on DID and would like to avoid being hospitalised any time soon. In any event, that child part of me is certainly active. Sometimes I think *she* is the one with bipolar disorder. She seems to function only at extremes. My best friend and I dearly love her, though, and I think we’d miss her if she was gone.
The teenage alters tend to be a bit different. I’m only aware of three, and Mairead’s job is simply to be a teenager. She’s only vaguely affected by either the general or the SRA abuse and always tells us that sh*t doesn’t belong to her. The other two teens were formed during my roughly three years of leadership programming (ages 13-15) and hold memories of genuine torture. My next thought was to say I can’t imagine going through something like that. I guess even though I’m aware of most of the memories, I still keep them at a distance. The details of these memories are not my concern here, though. I’m only concerned with effects.
The alters who took the SRA leadership programming are called Awen and Patrick. They’re twins, but they seem like one being at times. Awen speaks only Irish, and Patrick hears only her voice. I hear her whispering from time to time, and it is absolutely chilling. On rare occasions, when the flashbacks from that time period are very vivid, I hear her screaming, chanting ‘Something’s wrong. I’m afraid’ like a mantra. Elizabeth, the leader of the cult-loyal system, drags Awen to a lake every night. I have no idea what goes on there, but I’m sure the memory will be just lovely. Lakes have always bothered me.
I think the combination of my teenage alters shows exactly why I feel stuck in those years– Mairead is the moody happiness of a regular teen; Awen and Patrick are the shadowed existence of a teen going through SRA. Mairead lives only in the present; Awen and Patrick live only in the past. I think I need to learn how to be a ‘normal’ teenager through Mairead’s example while processing the events from those years that are mirrored through Awen and Patrick. Maybe then I can work through that developmental phase, for lack of better terms, and feel like an adult for once.
Until Lily pops out, of course. 🙂