I have been *incredibly* suicidal lately, and it seems to be a solo effort.  It doesn’t feel like an sra/programming issue. Kathy, L, and Mairead, the major players of the main system, have all spoken out against the idea.  I didn’t think the children knew about these feelings, but apparently Lily said something to my best friend about not understanding what was going on.  I’m guessing that means she *does* know.  Lovely, that.

Last weekend, I truly scared myself.  I was suicidal and almost manic at the same time.  Suicidal feelings and seemingly endless energy are not a good combination.  Fortunately I don’t have that sort of motivation now.  The suicidal feelings are lingering, though.  It just feels a bit like too much right now.

Thinking about how this would hurt the people I love is what stops me.  I lost my mother and younger sister to suicide.  I *know* what that feels like.  All of the unanswered questions, guilt, et. c.  I don’t want to put my FOC through that kind of pain.  Part of me (in a non-DID sense) feels like it would just be saving them from future pain, though.  I feel guilty for staying alive and bringing along my Stuff to their lives, and I feel guilty for talking to them about suicidal feelings.  It’s confusing.

Round table time– I need to gather all of the adult insiders in the main system and see what we can suss out.  Feeling suicidal is absolutely miserable.


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