I have been *incredibly* suicidal lately, and it seems to be a solo effort. It doesn’t feel like an sra/programming issue. Kathy, L, and Mairead, the major players of the main system, have all spoken out against the idea. I didn’t think the children knew about these feelings, but apparently Lily said something to my best friend about not understanding what was going on. I’m guessing that means she *does* know. Lovely, that.
Last weekend, I truly scared myself. I was suicidal and almost manic at the same time. Suicidal feelings and seemingly endless energy are not a good combination. Fortunately I don’t have that sort of motivation now. The suicidal feelings are lingering, though. It just feels a bit like too much right now.
Thinking about how this would hurt the people I love is what stops me. I lost my mother and younger sister to suicide. I *know* what that feels like. All of the unanswered questions, guilt, et. c. I don’t want to put my FOC through that kind of pain. Part of me (in a non-DID sense) feels like it would just be saving them from future pain, though. I feel guilty for staying alive and bringing along my Stuff to their lives, and I feel guilty for talking to them about suicidal feelings. It’s confusing.
Round table time– I need to gather all of the adult insiders in the main system and see what we can suss out. Feeling suicidal is absolutely miserable.