I’m writing this as a sort of informative/desperate warning in hopes that those of you who are SRA survivors either won’t have to face this or will be able to recognise it quicker than I did, before any real damage has been done.
As I think anyone reading this blog will realise, I *love* my best friend. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I can’t believe he’s willing to stick by me through all of the crap I bring along. Last night, though, things went wrong. I felt intense anger and heard myself saying in a subtle way that we should distance ourselves from each other a bit more. In the moment, nothing seemed strange. Or at least the moments when it *did* seem strange passed quickly. I just went along the night making things generally difficult.
This morning, I woke up horrified at what I’d done. Welcome back to the Pit of Hell.
I’ve been living with housemates connected to the cult for quite some time now, and they’ve cleverly drawn me closer to their world than I’ve been in years. I’ve also been jobless longer than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and potential jobs seem to fall apart at strange points. Locally, any organisation I get connected to, including the clinic where I get therapy, has an ‘in’– someone who works for the cult working inside that particular business.
So here I sit, over a year in to living with these sub-humans again and finding myself identifying with them. This is dangerous ground, and I *have* to change it. That will definitely take fighting with the cult-related parts of myself who seem to have been gaining strength for a while, working against what seems to be the proper course of action (basic instinct will likely be cult-related at the moment), and getting myself involved in *something* outside of here, even if it’s just volunteering. I have to make getting out of here my sole purpose in life and fight every single thought they try to lodge in my mind. And I have to do it with enough subtlety that they don’t realise completely what’s going on and anticipate my next step. If they can produce disinformation, so can I. That’s how I got out the first time– I used their own methods against them.
Please send good wishes. This is going to be quite the difficult fight. I’ll keep everyone posted.