Sometimes I feel like a twisted version of Narcissus, staring at my own reflection until it takes over and drowns me. The difference is I’m not ever sure who is staring back at me. I’m getting rather tired of constantly having to reassess my life. At one point, things actually felt stable. Maybe I’m in the crisis stage of DID at the moment, maybe new people are on their way or memories are about to be reclaimed, maybe it’s just that my mood disorder meds aren’t working.
Some days I *hate* multiplicity. I want a stable sense of identity. It’s taken so long just for me to feel remotely human. Now, I’ve found that my identity is fragmented, and it gets cheapened somehow. I’m not me, but rather a collective ‘us.’ There is no one true identity. Yes, I realise the alters are all part of me and not truly separate people. Still, they all hold pieces of who I am. I want those pieces back. Most of the non cult-created alters have given up their memories, but they still hold the emotions. I want those emotions back. If I’m ever to feel whole, I need *all* of the facets of me to unify. Otherwise, it’s always a constant shift of opinions, preferences, and strands of time that I have to tack together in an attempt to appear stable externally.
From Del Amitri’s ‘When You Were Young’– ‘Sometimes your lack of sympathy gets hard to explain, so on your mask of makeup you just paint a little parody of pain.’
Functioning as one when there are so many others whose identities show up internally feels like a parody sometimes.