Lost in Myself

Sometimes I feel like a twisted version of Narcissus, staring at my own reflection until it takes over and drowns me.  The difference is I’m not ever sure who is staring back at me.  I’m getting rather tired of constantly having to reassess my life.  At one point, things actually felt stable.  Maybe I’m in the crisis stage of DID at the moment, maybe new people are on their way or memories are about to be reclaimed, maybe it’s just that my mood disorder meds aren’t working.

Some days I *hate* multiplicity.  I want a stable sense of identity.  It’s taken so long just for me to feel remotely human.  Now, I’ve found that my identity is fragmented, and it gets cheapened somehow.  I’m not me, but rather a collective ‘us.’  There is no one true identity.  Yes, I realise the alters are all part of me and not truly separate people.  Still, they all hold pieces of who I am.  I want those pieces back.  Most of the non cult-created alters have given up their memories, but they still hold the emotions.  I want those emotions back.  If I’m ever to feel whole, I need *all* of the facets of me to unify.  Otherwise, it’s always a constant shift of opinions, preferences, and strands of time that I have to tack together in an attempt to appear stable externally.

From Del Amitri’s ‘When You Were Young’–  ‘Sometimes your lack of sympathy gets hard to explain, so on your mask of makeup you just paint a little parody of pain.’

Functioning as one when there are so many others whose identities show up internally feels like a parody sometimes.

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3 thoughts on “Lost in Myself

  1. What you wrote is a big step towards achieving the wholeness you seek. I know the work is hard and sometimes we want to give up, but you can get to a place where you begin to share and reclaim what you feel is lost.

  2. Man can *I* relate to this post. Lately, it’s been really tough cuz I have hated looking into the mirror cuz I see subtle differences in my appearance (according to who is out with me or very nearby). It’s so frustrating and disheartening cuz I don’t look like ME. I’m also really relating to the mention of constant shifts of opinions, preferences, etc. It’s so stressful. It does feel like a parody sometimes. We agree.

    • cetcetera– I’m told things calm down, eventually. Seems like everything has to spin out of order before it all gets put back together.

      I have a dear friend who saw video footage of herself when one of her child alters was out, and I’m told she had a tough time with that. Glad you found something you could relate to with this post– it helps to know that you’re not alone in what can seem like such a strange world.

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