I have been *angry* lately. Not that frustrated sort of anger that goes away quickly. The kind that makes you feel like you’ve got something volcanic deep inside that might erupt at any moment. I’m irritated and quick-tempered, and none of this is like me at all. It’s only been a few years since I’ve even been able to recognise the emotion of anger in the first place. For the past couple of weeks, though, it seems like absolutely everything has been getting right up my nose. My official diagnosis is Bipolar I Disorder, and while I doubted that for quite some time, I’m seeing more and more why the psychiatrist chose that lovely little illness for me.
Comordbidity and DID is an interesting question. I have abandonment issues, which is something I only recently learnt. That is a sign of several personality disorders, as are anger issues. Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t quite fit– I’m priviledged enough to keep these moods for weeks as opposed to days. Even though I can have an incredibly flat affect, schizophrenia doesn’t fit. We *know* why I hear those voices.
What *is* difficult is distinguishing my feelings from those of individuals inside, finding who and how many are feeling the mood we’re dealing with, or just seeing that I’m generally grouchy at the moment, all on my own. Lily frequently bruises my arms because she is so much smaller than me and sometimes doesn’t realise where my arm stops. She goes full-force toward something on a shelf and only stops when she bangs my wrist– her arm had quite alot left to go before she could reach things. I feel that way in an emotional sense. Sometimes I can’t tell where my emotions stop and the dissociated emotions start. Yes, as I’ve agreed with before, the alters are all me. In the end, I understand that they are not separate people. For now, however, they do hold their own emotions and experience their own moods. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to figure out where a given emotion is coming from and take care of it before things spin out of control.
Music helps. When I get so angry and tense that I feel as if I’m going to rip apart, certain songs can bring me back to centre. Try ‘Red Rubber Ball’ by the somewhat obscure American 1960’s pop group The Cyrkle (that’s not a spelling error). The imagery typically calms me down:
I think it’s gonna be all right.
Yeah, the worst is over now.
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball.