My Declaration

I was raped.

There, I said it.  Or rather wrote it.

It didn’t happen to Awen or Rainn or anyone else in my mind who took part of it.  It happened to me.  *I* was raped.  Me.  Not an alter or any other fragment of my mind.  It happened to me.  And I am furious.

What right did these ‘men’ have to treat me like that?  What right did they have to enter *my* body and use it for their twisted purposes?  I want to find them and demand these answers.  I want to tie them down and let them feel how helpless I was, even though I know they wouldn’t feel helpless at all.  I want to know that they will answer to some higher power, even though I know that might not happen.  Most of all, I want to know that this will never happen to me again, even though I know no one can promise that.

These excuses for people tied me down on a stone table and raped me.  *Me.*  At the time, I felt fear.  I wasn’t sure if they would kill me afterward, and I wasn’t sure whether that would be best for me.  They took something from me that day that I won’t get back.  Now, though, the fear is gone and I am *angry.*  I’m so angry I could scream.  Sometimes I think that would actually make me feel better.  I want to lash out at the people who hurt me.  I want to make them feel as bad as I did.  I want them to carry around the shame I still feel.  I want them to feel the nausea I’m feeling simply from writing this post.  I threw up for days after that and took showers so hot my skin blistered.  It didn’t go away.

Now I feel dirty, inside and out.  It’s like a stigma I carry that only a few people know about, but that I feel people can tell simply by meeting me.  I feel like they took my body as their own, and it’s a fight to reclaim that.  I’m not even close to there yet.  But I’ve said it.  I was raped.  It happened to me.  Dissociation doesn’t change that.


3 thoughts on “My Declaration

  1. I have several reactions to what you wrote. Not the least of which is anger about what happened to you. But this isn’t about me. I want to tell you some things which may help you.

    First, the feelings of stigma and dirtiness, can be healed. You will always remember what happened. I know that. But you can definitely heal.

    Second, your acceptance that what happened to you, and indeed all of you, is difficult. But it’s a necessary realization if you are to heal.

    Keep healing…


    • Thanks, Paul. That was one of the most difficult posts I’d ever written. To echo something a dear friend of mine told me, it’s maddening that, in order to heal, we have to bring ourselves back to those feelings we weren’t truly allowed to feel in the moment. As we all know, healing is far from easy. It’s good to hear from others like you that healing from things like this is possible. I think sometimes I lose sight of that.

  2. Healing is definitely possible, and given the effort you are putting in, most probable. And hope for healing is really important. I sometimes lose hope. But my therapist has repeatedly told me that she will hold the hope for me when I cannot. I am glad you were able to write a difficult post. I hope this isn’t the last such post. Paul.

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