In the End

I’ve always had this sort of fatalistic resignation to the fact that I will eventually die from suicide.  I’m not at all suicidal at the moment.  The subject of suicide just flitted through my mind a minute ago and reminded me of this.  Maybe it’s because my mother and sister died from suicide, but something (someone?) in my mind has always believed I’ll eventually go through with that as well.  Scary thought.

The resignation bit is the most frightening part of it all.  My suicide attempt two years ago didn’t come with a great deal of emotion.  I was depressed, but not overly sad, angry, frightened, or anything else.  I simply *was,* and I accepted suicide as the last facet of my life.  I could and still can talk about that time in my life as just another part of it all.  I’m obviously still here and grateful for the experiences I’ve had since then.  Still, I look back on my suicide attempt with neither regret nor relief.  It simply was, just as I simply am.  I have very little feeling towards it at all.  It’s odd.  I really am happy to be here now, and I’m *definitely* glad my FOC didn’t have to experience the pain of surviving a loved one’s suicide.  I’m just not particularly worried about whether the suicidal thoughts come again.  Because they do tend come and go in my mind rather frequently, I’ve accepted the suicidal feelings as part of my life.

I *have* learnt, however, that I do need to monitor myself closely when those thoughts come, as I know my lack of feeling on the subject can quickly turn to action.  For whatever reason, though, whether ninety minutes or ninety years from now, I’m guessing that’s how things will end for me.  Maybe it’s a premonition.  Maybe it’s something about this transition from a past life to a future life.  It’s just something I’ve always taken as fact.


The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention


3 thoughts on “In the End

  1. I have a theory on why you don’t have many feelings about your suicide attempt two years ago. It may or may not be correct, so don’t hold me to it. You may be distanced from it because you are truly not in that space anymore. You’ve healed some and moved beyond that. I know that even though I’ve been through being suicidal (and attempting), I cannot really appreciate how one can get there now. Just as I cannot really appreciate starving myself or being seriously depressed. These are all like bottomless pits. You only know what it’s really like when you are in it. Which should get us all to appreciate how hard it is for OTHER people to appreciate what we go through if they’ve never experienced these things. At least we have some empathy because we’ve been there even though we don’t truly understand it anymore. Hope that helps. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading. Paul.

  2. I feel the same way about the end of my life. Although my mother did not commit suicide, it was not because she didn’t try many, many times.

    I think about it all the time. Not in a “I want to die” kind of way, but more in a I need the pain to end, kind of way.

    I have mentioned this to a couple of close friends, and my T – but really, they don’t react and I don’t know what they could do about it anyway….

    • Graceful– it sounds like you really should talk to your therapist more in-depth about this. That ‘wanting the pain to end’ feeling is very, very dangerous, as I’m sure you know. For me, that feeling led directly to my planning my suicide. I know it isn’t active now, but trust me when I say you can only keep those feelings at bay for so long before acting on them. There’s a link to this page on my site, but I’ll link it here as well: I’ve read this page many, many times and it always helps. It’s like having someone there to talk through your feelings with.

      Take care of yourself. I don’t know you, but the mere fact that you’re reaching out tells me you are brave and interested in survival. The world certainly needs more people with that kind of courage!

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