…scare me. Following my psychiatrist’s recommendation, I took the lowest dose of Zyprexa for the first time on Saturday morning. It took almost twelve hours before I felt semi-normal again. The rapid-cycling bit does not make me happy. It disrupts my life and makes me feel out of control. As I’ve written before, though, this class of meds does not set well with me. Abilify gave me a seizure, Geodon sent me to hospital, Seroquel (and the others, actually) dropped my blood pressure to dangerous levels. Fortunately, Zyprexa hasn’t lowered my blood pressure. It apparently has resurrection properties as well, because this morning, I feel like a zombie. I’m definitely not rapid-cycling. I recognise this nothingness, and it scares me.
My mother took the old anti-psychotics –Haldol and Risperdal– and they turned her into a lack of person. She quite literally drooled. Yes, my sometimes violent mother was definitely not violent on those meds, but she was really nothing at all. She barely spoke. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be an out-of-control manic, a suicidal depressive, *or* a zombie. I want to find a middle ground, and Western medicine might not be able to provide that. I’ll try the Zyprexa for two weeks as promised, but my goal for this week is to work out the meditation techniques I’ve largely stopped using. Meditation is extremely powerful, and I need to start using that again as another tool towards helping myself physically and mentally.