I’m so tired of having issues with trust. As I’ve said many, many times and could say many times more, my best friend is an amazing person who stands beside me no matter what I’m facing. I’ll never understand how he has the patience to stand by me or how someone as wonderful as he is would choose to spend time with someone like me. He knows that, because of my SRA background, there are some risks involved in being such an integral part of my life. He accepts me anyway. Why is it, then, that when he pays me a compliment my first reaction is to anticipate what he’s planning to do to me?
It’s a paradox– the more I trust him, the more afraid of him I become. He’s still the person I feel safest with, and I *know* on some level that he would never hurt me. I just keep expecting him to. It sickens me to know that the people who hurt me have made it so that I watch everyone so closely. I’m guarded most of the time, even with safe people, because I keep expecting them to become unsafe, and I feel the need to prepare myself for that.
Maybe I’ll write more on this topic later. Right now, I’m too disgusted and angry to write out my thoughts coherently.