The cult in which I grew up is organised so perfectly that even when things at the leadership level went horribly wrong, a new plan was put in place quickly.  It wasn’t as good as the original plan, of course, and it has caused years of repercussions that aren’t likely to slow up soon.  Still, when one of the top few gets pushed away and someone else slipped in in a matter of hours, the group shows its structure.  Looking at it from a completely dissociated space and taking away all of the instances of pain and danger, the cult system is incredibly efficient.  It’s just the minor bits about torture and programming that stop the system being good for mankind overall.

It was always funny to me when teachers called me a perfectionist because I knew the genesis of that characteristic.  It can be a good thing, motivation to do your absolute best.  It can also be a bad thing, motivation to keep up the appearance of perfection all the time.  I know I’m far from perfect, but I try to hide my flaws at all cost lest someone use them against me.  I guess this is the more eloquent version of the previous post– even around safe people, I try to hide my flaws in order to protect myself.

Emotions aren’t flaws.  I’d tell this to anyone, but it’s not something I can quite apply to my own life at the moment.  My emotions still feel like breaks in my armour that allow people to see in to the spots that can be easily damaged.  There are times when I feel like shoving every bit of protection aside and showing fear or anger or sadness for whatever it is, not just an extremely filtered version.  Sometimes I *want* to be out of control, only for a minute or two, just to signal that I really do need help from time to time.  I keep everything so neatly tucked away most of the time so that I don’t burden my FOC with the intensity of my emotions.  Lately, though, I’ve needed to just let go of my restraints for a bit and let whatever happens happen without trying to immediately bottle it all up again.  That takes appearing less than perfectly in control of myself, though, and I can’t seem to get past that particular block.  Part of me doesn’t feel deserving of such indulgence.  Part of me is just terrified to let it happen.  I still apologise for the one time in mine and my best friend’s relationship when I *did* let go rather completely.  It’s been a while since that happened, and the thought of having done that still embarrasses and terrifies me.  I feel like a lousy friend for putting that much weight on my best friend’s shoulders.

The best way I can think of for dealing with this is to find safe times and places to release emotions bits at a time, whether alone or with safe people like my best friend.  At the moment, though, so much has built up in my body and mind that it seems all of it wants to burst out at once.  It’s not likely to, which probably really is a good thing, as I’m not sure when I’d be able to shut it off again and life does have to go on in the meantime.  I just need to find a compromise between the control I try to keep and the release I seem to need.  Should be about as simple as bringing on world peace.


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