I’ve had that song stuck in my head for several days now, and that’s not particularly unpleasant. It’s a lovely song. Listening to it today, though, I conceptualised the lyrics in a new way. There’s a bit that resounds with me and will likely resound with other SRA survivors–
Always, know sometimes think it’s me
But you know I know when it’s a dream
I think I know I mean ah yes
but it’s all wrong
That is I think I disagree.
Coming out of SRA means learning how to live in a whole new world. It’s definitely a much *better* world, but it’s still different. Sometimes I’ve felt like a complete and utter failure in this new world. That’s something the cult counts on– survivors who make it out really do feel disoriented at first, which can send you screaming back to what you know. It’s the same with ‘regular’ abuse. You go with what you know. That’s how the world makes sense to you. Leaving means creating a whole new world, and I am so glad to have had the opportunity. I like my new little world, and I love the people who are a part of it. 🙂
Back to the song, then. Sometimes I *have* thought it was me– I’ve thought that I will always belong to the cult simply because it’s what I deserve, like it’s what my life *should* be like. When I feel like that, though, my FOC are always there to help me see otherwise. And learning that it isn’t a dream– the good or the bad– is a struggle all survivors deal with.
After all this time, though, I’d like to think I’ve at least *started* to live my own life. I know I disagree with what I was taught and the treatment all those hurt by SRA had to endure. The outside world is life. Friends and family are love. The world, overall, really is a good place. Reality is life outside of the cult. Reality is breaking free from programming to live in this world.
And I know I know when it’s a dream.