How It All Began

My father has been on my mind quite alot lately.  He and I were so alike.  He shaped my mind, for better or worse, and it is his bloodline that brought me into the cult.  There are so many reasons I could hate him.  I loved him, though, and I pitied him.  His biggest mistake was the same as mine, actually– we were born to the wrong family.

My father did horrible things.  He was a top member of a powerful and purely evil cult.  He hurt so many people, including my mother, sister and me.  He did what was expected of him without question, exactly as a cult member is trained to do.  In his later yeas, he also took my best friend along for birthday celebrations with my mother and me.  He shared ice cream with us, told jokes that had everyone laughing hysterically, and became a better person.  He was changing, becoming a person is his own right, and breaking away (albeit to a small extent) from the cult.

His life was hard.  I don’t know a great deal about his childhood, but since he grew up in the cult as well, I can’t imagine it was great.  I know he got shuffled about between trainers and was taken from his parents at an early age.  We had only just started talking about these things when he died, but he told me he had never felt truly loved or wanted.  He thought of himself as a complete and utter failure, and he expressed regret at what had happened.

My father grew up in the cult, did the jobs that were expected of him, and took the role he was supposed to fill.  In turn, he offered his children to the cult, and I can imagine our lives started quite similarly to his.  For whatever reason, I was able to break that cycle and refuse my role in the cult.  It’s unfortunate for my siblings and me that my father couldn’t.  However, I understand why he did what he did.  That makes all the difference.

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3 thoughts on “How It All Began

  1. In my heart, sometimes, not all the time, I think what was missing in all the abusers I was with was love. That they had never experienced it. Not giving it or receiving it. I sometimes pity them and feel sorry that the world was not only hurt by their actions but the world suffered as they could not give what they could have had they been loved.

    I can not live this yet and don’t try, it will happen or it will not.

    I am so glad you left the cult.

    • Wow, MFF. You put my feelings into words much better than I could. Thank you for leaving this comment. Be gentle with yourself. You will heal in your own time and your own way.

  2. just found your blog. i’ve not read much but i can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. i feel pity much of the time, too. for my father, that is. and love. that will never go away. there are few perps i didn’t love, in a way one can’t really make fit with what most would, i suspect, call love. but it was love, nonetheless.

    i am so glad you stopped the cycle, though! we all make choices, everyday and whatever made the difference for you, it’s really good to know it was there. maybe it’s a mixture…awareness, resilience, education… and maybe it’s that very ability to love that you’re talking about… even when it seems like love could not exist in such a world as that? i don’t know.

    anyway, i know i don’t know you really but i hope 2010 brings you far better things than you knew growing up… and that it just gets better from there 🙂

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