Change of Heart?

I’ve always hated December.  As any SRA survivor will tell you, December brings some ‘interesting’ issues.  Why, then, am I wishing December of last year had never ended? I dearly missed going to see my family-of-choice, and I’m working toward getting up to see them soon.  Still, Christmas comforted me somehow, and lighting the menorah with some of my internal crew brought peace as well.  I spent Christmas day with my best friend and his family, and it was nice to feel like I belonged.

Grief issues hit hard in December, another thing that bothers alot of people round the holidays.  Maybe I feel like, since December is over and the new year has started, everything should be fine again.  But it isn’t fine, no matter how much I pretend otherwise.  Maybe I felt like I could let that show in December and that I need to appear perfect now.  Maybe that’s why December comforted me– I could feel, unapologetically.  I felt connected to the Universe as a whole.  I felt held.  Now I feel it’s time to put on the armour again and make sure none of the broken places show.  In the earliest hours of the morning, though, I write in my journal that it’s December once again.

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4 thoughts on “Change of Heart?

  1. I experience the “moving time around” it was a way that I could deal and it is still with me.

    It seems a way for me to move what happened to a time it did not so I can process it. Makes it less real for a while so I can look at it from the now.

    I always stated that I hated February. In a real way I did not know there was a March. It is March for me now and I am processing March. Before I endured March and made it through to April.

    I celebrate New Years on April first. April fools and all.

    • I’d never thought of it like that before– moving things to a different time in order to process. Thanks for the insight. That makes a great deal of sense to me.

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