I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. I haven’t even journalled anything substantial. There are *things* in my mind, obviously, that someone doesn’t want to surface. Twitter is the only thing that isn’t overwhelming. 140 characters can be written without tearing open the thin layer of the hole that recently tore open all on its own. Trauma damages you in so many ways, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It’s not fair to the people in my life that I bring along trust issues that keep me a bit afraid of them even after they’ve been in my life almost 10 years. It’s not fair to any past or future significant others that they will have to live with what was done to me, even though they were not responsible. Life isn’t fair, though, as the trite cliche goes. I try to accept that and move on, but somedays it doesn’t work.
Trust is such a difficult concept for trauma survivors. I feel like I can’t trust myself; there are, afterall, alters in there who I haven’t met, and I’m sure there are some I’m not even aware of. Trusting a part of your brain to function autonomously in your favour is difficult, to say the least. Trusting outsiders is more difficult, to some extent. Years ago, if I hadn’t heard from my brother-of-choice in a few days, I automatically assumed he was out of my life forever. A similar thing is happening with my best friend now. He is moving on to bigger and better things, and the majority of me feels like he’ll see he deserves so much more in a friend. Nah. No trust issues at all.
Much moreso than the mind of a trauma survivor who has DID, the *life* is fragmented. I love my FOC and can’t imagine what life would be like without them. On the other hand, a voice in my head sometimes tells me I should prepare myself for them to ask that I bugger off for good. My best friend means the world to me, and I wish him the absolute best in his life. He’ll do amazing things, even though he can’t see that at the moment. The back (and sometimes front) of my mind tells me he’s dangerous now, though. One of the ‘protectors’ has been trying to push us away. She told my best friend and I both that our severing ties between us now would save us both pain in the future.
Fragmented minds leading to fragmented lives. There’s so much more I’d like to say, either here or in my journal. The dizziness and blackness that surrounds my mind when the hole is about to open is starting, though, so I’ll just stop writing before I am consumed again.