I got a text message from my best friend tonight.  This is not unusual, of course.  What *is* unusual, though, is my missing a text from him.  This did not go over well with Lily.  Or with me, really.  I guess it’s an abandonment/major losses thing– whenever I miss the small things that happen in mine and my best friend’s friendship, I panic.  It’s the small things that make a difference.  He and I have shared some absolutely amazing adventures.  We’ve travelled a bit, tried unusual foods (see: Bertie Bott’s vomit beans 🙂 ) and done some local touring that turned out really well.  We’ve also spent cold, rainy nights watching bad DVD’s, lazy afternoons just hanging about, and warm summer evenings walking beside the Riverfront.  Those little moments make all the difference.  So when I miss a tiny little text message that was just a small joke from a movie we watched last night, I panic.

Lily, who was supposed to be in bed, popped up to absolutely yell at me about not having the phone near so that her M Body Person could talk to her.  That woke Timmy who began to cry because Lily was crying.  And that attracted the attention of Mairead, who has taken over as internal caretaker of the children since the former internal caretaker became what Mairead refers to as a CAB– Crazy Ass B*tch.  Ah, love among the alters.  Just as things started to get absolutely maddening, my phone buzzed.  My best friend texted, completely unexpectedly since it’s a bit late, and all was calm.  Immediately.  With one text message, my best friend was able to calm the entire internal core group.

And I am terrified.

I’ve never trusted someone so deeply in my life, nor have I ever let anyone get this close.  Now we’re at the ultimate in trust– I recognise that my best friend could absolutely crush me in just a few words.  I’ve lost so many people, either to death or otherwise, and losing my best friend would be my complete downfall.  I couldn’t withstand that.  For someone as wonderful as him, though, it’s worth the risk.


Our lives are made in these small hours

These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours still remain

— Rob Thomas, ‘Little Wonders’


2 thoughts on “Messiness

  1. I know you don’t know who I am but I just wanted to say something…. I had a best friend that sounds very similar to your best friend – she could calm me and my alters in an instant and we did everything together. At one point I got so worried that I was going to lose her as a friend that I became obsessed with making sure that would never happen. It got to the point where my best friend couldn’t be around me anymore and she stopped responding to my texts, calls, and e-mails. After three weeks of not having seen her or talked to her, she texted me and ended our friendship. What I’m trying to say is, don’t worry so much about losing your best friend. Sometimes reading too much into something can drive you crazy and make you do things that can hurt the good things. I have also lost many friends who passed away, moved or otherwise and it is hard finding someone else to put that much trust in. Just remember that relationships have their ups and downs but it doesn’t always mean you’re going to lose your best friend. If something is really bothering you, talk to your friend about it. If they really are your best friend, they will work with you to make things okay again.
    Thanks for sharing.


    • Hi, Bee. Thanks for your comment. I’m so sorry your friend hurt you. 😦 It’s hard for trauma survivors to put trust in anyone, and having someone break off that trust makes it ten times worse. And I do understand completely the need to be obsessive. Sometimes I have to remind myself that, just because my best friend isn’t three inches from me, it doesn’t mean I’ll never see him again. We recently had a big breakthrough with that. Luckily for me, he has been so patient with me and explained the ‘I’m not planning to walk out of your life’ bit many times, the dear man. He says he loves me even when I’m neurotic. 🙂 We’ve been the best of friends for nine years now, and I look forward to 90 more.

      I truly hope you find a best friend who loves you unconditionally. Everyone deserves that!

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