Comfort in Strange Places

As anyone who knows me can attest to, I have a very hard time with outward expressions of emotion. Actually, dealing with loss is the only thing that has left me unable to control my tears. That is so very frightening to me. The comfort in strange places bit comes from a time like that soon after my sister’s death. The memory of the day I cleaned out her school locker still pierces me from time to time. The song ‘Box of Rain’ from the Grateful Dead album ‘American Beauty’ (if I remember correctly) kept playing over and over in my mind that day.  It was an amazing comfort to me. Sitting alone by the ocean that night, I was thinking about the image of a box of rain, and that helped me open up all the Stuff I had held back through the funeral and all the formalities.  The irony of the group’s name is twisted, if nothing else, but I’ve always loved their music, and you take any comfort you can find at times like that.

As I attempt to deal with my daughter’s death, some lyrics from that song keep popping in my mind. A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through. Lately, I’ve thought about the losses in my life and wondered if my parents and siblings welcomed my daughter. Even a glimpse through this blog makes it obvious that my family wasn’t exactly healthy. Still, they were my family. I have no idea if they exist or where they are, but I’d like to think they are together and happy. I have so many questions for them and so many questions for the Universe at large. Sometimes the world really can be a phenomenally unfair place.

It’s just a box of rain

I don’t know who put it there

Believe it if you need it

or leave it if you dare

And it’s just a box of rain

or a ribbon for your hair

Such a long long time to be gone

and a short time to be there

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