Just last week, my therapist and I were talking about how things are difficult but I’ve not gone in to a tail spin.  In response, apparently, I’ve started feeling suicidal.  This happens when it seems like everything that can go wrong does.  In this case, it’s that one small thing after another has gone wrong whilst I’m attempting to deal with a rather large problem.  The final bit today was an exam.  I’m repeating a class that did not go well last semester, partially due to my own actions and partially due to a horrible professor.  Today was our first major exam, and it did not go well.  That brought my mind to the possibility of doing poorly in this class again, which would count me out of the course of study I’m working through at the moment.  From there, of course, the future career plans fall apart, and from there the entire future looks uncertain.  Where does my mind go from that avalanche?  Suicide.

Having lost my mother and sister to suicide is a paradox.  On one hand, I know how it feels to survive that loss.  On the other hand, I know the stress that leads to the decision.  I just feel like giving in, and I feel guilty because of that.  My FOC deserve better.  Still, I’ve lost control of my life and am wondering if getting that control back is possible, or if it’s even worth it, really.  Will things just keeping falling apart when they start to get together?  I know that, in the past, I’ve stood in my own way repeatedly.  The honest truth is I am *trying* to move forward this time.  I’m not standing in my way, nor am I playing the victim role.  I’ve been *trying* to push ahead.  Overwhelm is getting me, though, and I’m starting to shut down.  It’s rather difficult to focus as hard as I need to, so I keep getting further overwhelmed.  Add that to SRA issues related to current events, and the party gets even more crowded.  It’s that vicious cycle bit that pops up in psychology all the time.  I lose focus and slip behind in school and work.  The balance was tolerable for the first two weeks of the semester, but now I’ve bunged it all up again.

Everything is just so out of control at the moment, and I feel like letting go of it all.  Someone once told me that suicide happens when pain outweighs coping mechanisms.  I understand that so well right now, but I’m trying to convince myself that keeping going is worth it.  It’s just tiring, and even though I really don’t know what’s on the other side of this, sometimes it seems preferable to just slip in to that nothingness.


8 thoughts on “Spiralling

  1. I hear what you are saying, hon. I have been there. I don’t see you playing victim. Sheesh! You have just been through a HUGE loss! That is enough to knock anyone on their butt! Plus you have all these other issues to deal with, too.

    It can very difficult to catch up once you start falling behind, but it is not impossible. Perhaps it would be helpful to make a list of everything on your plate and determine what is the absolute most important. Then, maybe you could let go of other things temporarily in order to focus on just those most important, or absolutely necessary things of life?

    One thing that has helped me is to look at the worst possible scenario and build plans for that contingency. If I know I have a plan B to fall back on, it makes it easier to relax. Being more relaxed makes it easier to put energy into plan A.

    Still…I understand when the pain overwhelms. It feels, in the moment, as if it will never end. Sometimes, I get angry…for I know they want me to die. I use my anger to fuel my determination to not let them win by me taking my life.

    I don’t know if anything I have written is even the least bit helpful. If you take nothing else out of what I wrote…please take the fact that I care. I know what it is like to hurt like hell…and to make it out the other end…sometimes by crawling through it.

    I offer hugs.

    • Thanks very much, OneSurvivor. What you wrote certainly did give me some strategies. I am just now getting to the point where I no longer feel suicidal. Hopefully, strategies such as what you’ve given can help me stay out of that space.

  2. Dear Englishrain,

    Hang on in!

    This is such a powerfully awful place in which you find yourself, but hang on in – even if you need to keep the idea of suicide as a comfort … a final release from the pit! Keep that carrot dangling if you need to, but hang on in!

    I, like many others are ‘holding’ you during this dreadful, dreadful time. We think about you and long for the time when you find a glimpse of hope.

    The ‘nothingness’ you refer to is forever and that’s a long time!

    It IS exhausting and you don’t know what is on the other side of this but take a very big risk – hang on in and see.


    • Jean, thanks so much. Having people to lean on– both in real-time and online– has been amazing. I’m very fortunate to have the lot of you. My therapist said something similar; she mentioned keeping suicide as that one option she hoped I’d never take. Interesting, but it does help to have that option.

  3. Hi,

    I wanted to say that I have been feeling oddly over-emotional and unstable recently and think it is a ritual abuse anniversary trigger. It may feel better soon once the date is over with soon.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    • Hi, Kate. Are you feeling better now that the date has passed? I’m not sure about a ritual abuse date, but the Catholic church does have a link to 2 Feb. It’s not a far stretch, then…

      • Hi,

        Yes I am feeling better. But then I got an ear infection, which is a pretty normal reaction to me to get sick right after a big trigger date.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.


  4. I think the date is February 2nd. I and others I have known feel better once this date is over. I realize that you are going through a lot and that an anniversary date by itself is not all that any survivor is going through, but I hope that getting past it helps. Good and healing thoughts to you.


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