Just last week, my therapist and I were talking about how things are difficult but I’ve not gone in to a tail spin. In response, apparently, I’ve started feeling suicidal. This happens when it seems like everything that can go wrong does. In this case, it’s that one small thing after another has gone wrong whilst I’m attempting to deal with a rather large problem. The final bit today was an exam. I’m repeating a class that did not go well last semester, partially due to my own actions and partially due to a horrible professor. Today was our first major exam, and it did not go well. That brought my mind to the possibility of doing poorly in this class again, which would count me out of the course of study I’m working through at the moment. From there, of course, the future career plans fall apart, and from there the entire future looks uncertain. Where does my mind go from that avalanche? Suicide.
Having lost my mother and sister to suicide is a paradox. On one hand, I know how it feels to survive that loss. On the other hand, I know the stress that leads to the decision. I just feel like giving in, and I feel guilty because of that. My FOC deserve better. Still, I’ve lost control of my life and am wondering if getting that control back is possible, or if it’s even worth it, really. Will things just keeping falling apart when they start to get together? I know that, in the past, I’ve stood in my own way repeatedly. The honest truth is I am *trying* to move forward this time. I’m not standing in my way, nor am I playing the victim role. I’ve been *trying* to push ahead. Overwhelm is getting me, though, and I’m starting to shut down. It’s rather difficult to focus as hard as I need to, so I keep getting further overwhelmed. Add that to SRA issues related to current events, and the party gets even more crowded. It’s that vicious cycle bit that pops up in psychology all the time. I lose focus and slip behind in school and work. The balance was tolerable for the first two weeks of the semester, but now I’ve bunged it all up again.
Everything is just so out of control at the moment, and I feel like letting go of it all. Someone once told me that suicide happens when pain outweighs coping mechanisms. I understand that so well right now, but I’m trying to convince myself that keeping going is worth it. It’s just tiring, and even though I really don’t know what’s on the other side of this, sometimes it seems preferable to just slip in to that nothingness.