Still Here

And still unsure of whether I’d like to be.  I’m not feeling suicidal anymore.  I’m just not quite ready to keep going with things.  In an effort to stop myself from going through with the suicide act, I turned to an old coping skill that I haven’t used in years– self injury.  As a teenager, I started cutting over the scars left on my arms by the cult.  I wanted to erase the images, and cutting over the scars to form my own was my way of blurring those pictures.  From there, it turned in to an emotional release, as well as a way to feel alive.  In the worst case, I kept cutting almost blindly until there were 35 small lines of blood on my arm.  Only then did I start feeling the physical pain.  It isn’t something I share frequently, and every single scar I’ve made is in spots that are not typically seen.  Mostly, they’re on my upper arms.  I never wear sleeveless or ‘girl sleeved’ shirts, simply because I’m still afraid some of the SRA-related scars could be recognised.  That said, SI is something I take great care to hide.  I’m almost ashamed to write about it here.  It is my negative coping skill, not something I want to use to manipulate anyone or prove a point to anyone.  Sometimes it’s just what is necessary to keep suicidal feelings at bay.

Here’s the problem, then.  SI helped release some of the intense emotions brought on by the SRA trigger.  Now, it’s got a bit out of control again.  For the first time in years and years, SI has become just about a daily activity.  No major cuts or anything like that.  Just enough to see blood running down my arm and know there is actually something left inside me.  I’m scared of this feeling.  SI is like a drug.  I remember how deceptively comforting it was at one time, and it scares me to see that feeling coming back.

I met with my therapist yesterday, and we discussed my having felt suicidal.  She calls it self-sabotage, in that we had started talking about the hope for me to have a stable future and I started seeing triggers to tear down that hope.  To some extent, I agree with her.  I’d never thought of it like that before.  To another extent, though, I have those two three-letter combinations she doesn’t believe in: DID and SRA.  Programming got set off by something I saw on a news programme, just passing through.  I didn’t recognise the programming quickly enough, as most of my resources are already tied up in dealing with the ‘normal’ issues, and it spun out of control.  Now that I see that trigger and have started dissecting the programming, it *should* start to calm a bit.

I left the therapist’s office feeling better than I had in days.  That feeling has deteriorated this evening, though, and I’ve developed odd psychotic thoughts.  Very odd, frightening images keep running through my head.  Again, it scares me.  I’m just attempting to decide on a plan (not including suicide) to get my mind settled.  Hopefully, that will happen soon.

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