Meh

Perfect one-syllable response sometimes.  I have been so exhausted lately, physically and mentally.  In spite of the need for money, I took off from work today.  That almost never happens.  I’m just too tired to think clearly tonight.  My therapist, who I’ve been seeing for two years, just realised that I come to therapy to deal with grief and trauma, not to deal with bipolar symptoms.  Frighteningly quick, she is.  Another stunning realisation she had is that I’m afraid to talk to her about memories.  If it took us two years to get this far, I’m wondering how actually getting to the memories will be.  There is, of course, an interesting bit about talking to this therapist– one of the administrators actually belongs to the cult my family belonged to.  They’ve been honest, though; they did tell me straightaway that my file would be read.

So, therapy work will proceed.  I’m starting with grief issues.  Chances are, my sister’s and mother’s suicides were related to abuse they suffered, but there is no overt SRA involvement in those deaths.  My father’s and brother’s deaths are written off as ‘accidents.’  I really do need to face grief issues, and since the therapist and I can discuss them with little to no mention of SRA, it’s a good place for us to start.  We’ve done some grief work before, but we didn’t get in to it deeply.  The excavation will start a week from Wednesday.  I can monitor the therapist’s responses as well as the cult activity to see just how deeply we should go.  Should get interesting, to say the least.

But back to ‘meh.’  An actual realisation I came to is that, even though life can’t stop, it is pausing in spite of my better efforts.  I decided not to finish my school programme.  Rather, I’m just working more hours at my job and dealing with therapy issues.  That was the best decision for me at this time.  It takes so much energy for me to keep it together on any given day that I really haven’t got the resources for school.  Maybe in the future.  Maybe not.

Meh.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Meh

  1. Wow…that would sure make it difficult for me to continue therapy knowing that my records would be read by someone who belongs to my family’s cult group. Are we talking SRA cult group? I think you are brave…and wise to keep mention of SRA out of what you talk about.

    It sounds like you are making some wise decisions as to what you can handle right now and what you can’t. Good for you!

    • Thanks very much. Yes, we are talking SRA. Because of my father’s involvement and leadership level, and because I walked away from a leadership level, they keep a bit of interest in me. It can be very tricky, but I’ve become fairly good at keeping myself safe. There have been many, many times when I couldn’t do that, but I learn with every incident.

      • I think that is a good attitude…that you learn with every incident. That is how I had to view the accessing that took place from the last SRA savvy therapist I had.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s