I missed most of my shift yesterday. I was so tired and overwhelmed that work seemed relatively impossible. Today, my brain is still too overwhelmed to make sense of essays and articles. I just want to sleep for hours and hours. When I do sleep, though, it isn’t restful and I wake up as exhausted as when I went to bed. These symptoms led to the repeated realisation that I have Bipolar I Disorder. Even though I take my meds every day and see the shrink and therapist regularly, I sometimes forget to pinpoint symptoms as part of the disorder.
I’m not surprised by having bipolar disorder. I’m just surprised that the depression isn’t more serious. I’ve been dealing with great amounts of stress. The house flooded, taking a large amount of my stuff with it. Mother’s Day came and went, which was also a treat. Middle Littles, namely Willow, continue to carry on about our not being good enough for my best friend. Being both an empath and someone with way too many people in her mind, I’m not even sure whose emotions I feel these days. I *do* know, however, that bipolar disorder is serious and is severely dampening my productivity at the moment. The good news is my psychiatrist knows May is a difficult time for me, so she scheduled appointments in April and May. I see her Thursday.
This is what frustrates me about bipolar disorder. When I’m not having symptoms, I work hard to keep my mental and physical health in check. When the symptoms start, though, my hard work seems to be worthless. The increased appetite, fatigue, and overwhelm that accompany depression chip away at the work I do on physical health; the madness of mania disturbs my sense of reality and meshes the psychotic with the norm so well that I have trouble distinguishing the two. I take a horrendous amount of Lamictal and would probably be dead without it. During episodes, we add Zyprexa. As anyone who has ever taken an antipsychotic can attest, those buggers wreak havoc on physical health, as well.
In short, I’m depressed. It’s not a serious keep-me-away-from-sharp-objects-depression. It’s just a sense of overwhelm that darkens everything and takes away from my ability to interact with the world. If it continues to affect my job in the way it has this year, I’ll have to do something more official. I don’t mean filing for disability or anything like that. Just talking to HR maybe. *That* should be fun. I’m worried about money, though, and losing the ability to work due to a complete inability to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time is not helping me. Bipolar disorder is definitely ‘interesting.’ Hopefully, on Thursday, we can stop this depressive episode before it trickles down to the darker levels. Sometimes I feel at the mercy of the disorder, but maybe this time will bring me a win.