I’ve been thinking quite alot lately about terms used to refer to people with DID. The most common, of course, is ‘multiple.’ Being called that makes my skin crawl, though, so I’ve spent some time trying to figure out the cause of such an extreme reaction. Disclaimer: This is my opinion about my experience as someone with DID. It’s not meant as an insult to others with this disorder, nor is it meant to classify others. It is strictly about how I view that label as it applies to me.
In my mind, the fact that I have DID is my biggest flaw. It’s proof that I could not handle my own life, that I wasn’t strong enough to cope with the world around me. I feel like a silly little child who ran away in her mind to escape things she did not want to do, see, or feel. In essence, that’s what the condition is about. I can look at others who have DID as brave and strong people who did what they needed to do in order to survive. For myself, though, I simply see a raging child. I don’t want to be different. I’d like to think I have my life together, not that a group of alters are holding it together for me.
My best friend and brother-of-choice live their lives well. Both have had their struggles, but they’ve handled them all along without breaking in to fragments of personalities. They’ve made it to adulthood whole and have faced their issues head-on, by themselves, without the help of alternate selves. I admire their resilience.
So, yes, the label ‘multiple,’ when it’s applied to me really bothers me. I’d like to be one person living her life well and in control. By accepting this label of ‘multiple,’ I feel like I’m giving in to a weakness, allowing alters to run my life and face my issues rather than dealing with them myself. It’s frustrating and makes me so angry. I want to feel whole, but for now, I realise that I am broken.