Still having frequent flashbacks.  I think, in part, that this is because I’m feeling like there’s no one to talk with regarding the trauma.  By that, I mean there’s no one who I feel can listen to the details.  My former therapist had heard a great deal of the ‘regular’ abuse stuff, and quite a bit of the SRA stuff, as well.  Now I’m feeling kind of left alone with the details.  That’s not at all to say that I feel lonely or like no one cares; my FOC will be right there for me any time.  I’m just thinking about discussions with therapists.  I love my FOC too much to talk about the details of my past.  In terms of therapy, though, talking about details seems essential.

It’s probably macabre, morbid, or any other word like that, but I truly do feel a *need* to tell someone the whole bit.  SRA memories, regular childhood trauma memories, all of it.  I’ve thought about writing it out a time or two and even started that once.  Writing is more like talking to myself, though, and I know the details.  I need one other person to know so that I don’t feel like the weight of it all rests completely with me.  The whole world seems a bit mad at the moment.  I’m really hoping the past and present stop colliding soon.


4 thoughts on “Flashbacks

  1. This might not work, but have you tried writing it /to/ someone? Address it to someone, put it in an envelope with their name on it, and keep it in a drawer, knowing that you could give it to them at some time if necessary?
    Have you read /The Perks of Being a Wallflower/? The novel is made up of (fictional) letters that the protagonist is writing and sending anonymously to someone he has heard about (he heard she was a good person), but who doesn’t know him. Perhaps you can find a variation of this that might work?
    I’m just trying to think of ways that could prevent writing it from being too much like writing it to yourself…

    • Thanks, Christian. That makes sense… I’ll give it a go. If nothing else, it will help me get at least some of it out of my head. Our local library has three copies of that book, which really surprised me in this tiny town. I’ll give that one a go, as well. I truly appreciate the suggestions.

      • I don’t feel comfortable speaking to your situation, but I might want to give you a trigger warning about that book (recollected abuse). It’s nothing next to what you write about here, mind you. I don’t want to dissuade you from reading it; I’m just giving you a heads up.

      • Thanks very much! I’ll monitor my responses closer as I read. Usually, the ‘bells and whistles’ get louder when things start triggering.

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