to use an American phrase that sometimes says it perfectly.
I’m having trouble. Today, I’m hypo-manic but rapid cycling all the same. I can’t slow down my thoughts, which are racing from intense anger to deep sadness. My hands are literally shaking from the energy, and I can’t deal with even the slightest of changes without going right in to a tizzy. Good thing my routine is staying stable, she says sarcastically.
I just started a new work schedule. I like my job and will always be grateful to have a paycheck. However, the merge of our company and another has a great deal of my job mixed. I do *not* like working for the other department. We had very little training and are constantly being told by the director of that programme that we are horrible at our jobs, my coworkers and me. I’d be much better if they’d bloody train me as opposed to giving me a twenty page model and telling me to read it. Not helpful.
A major change like that affects my ability to tolerate small changes well. My best friend is going on a well-deserved holiday. In years past, I would have assumed he’d go away, realise he could do so much better than me, and walk straight out of my life when he returned home. Now, I know with absolute certainty that things will carry on as normal once he returns.
The schedule shifts, though. We miss a weekend together, and this time our Friday night will be cut an hour short. Neither of those are big changes, but with the bipolar symptoms raising and the issues with work, the small changes become a big deal. One of my insiders feels that our visiting with my best friend on Friday nights keeps him awake beyond his comfort level. No matter how often we assure her otherwise, she holds the belief. She’s taking this leaving an hour earlier bit as proof.
I’d phone the shrink, but she would immediately put me in the crisis unit. She told me she would do that the next time I got unstable because the symptoms shift so quickly. Unfortunately, that means I’m not willing to phone her this early. I’ve started Zyprexa– the prn med– and am hoping I caught things early enough that there won’t be a progression. I’m not hallucinating, which is a great sign. In retrospect (as usual), I see symptoms that I should have picked up on earlier, but I’ve definitely started Zyprexa earlier than I did during the debacle over the summer.
I really hate bipolar disorder and the way it affects my life. My job suffers, my friends are affected, and my general health gets bunged up. I think a change in meds is necessary, as well as a commitment on my behalf to keep a more regular schedule. Anti-psychotics are awful in terms of side effects and long-term risks. If taking the Zyprexa keeps me from becoming truly psychotic, though, the risks will just have to be taken.