We’re headed in to the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and I am feeling anything but festive. In fact, I just want to duck my head until it’s over. But that brings 2012, apocalyptic crap & other fun with SRA. Back to holidays…
My daughter’s stillbirth happened on 27 Dec. I’m already anticipating that anniversary. Now, actually, I keep thinking of things in terms of last year. My best friend and I are doing our typical jaunt to Nashville to celebrate his birthday, and, being rather selfish about things, I can’t keep my mind off of last year. When we were in Nashville last year, I bought some maternity clothes. I felt the baby kicking on and off all day, and that evening, my best friend’s mother got to feel her kick strong against my side. I thought of those as her tiny way of participating in the celebration.
This year feels hollow. I should have a six-month-old hanging about. She probably wouldn’t have gone with us for the shopping trip, but we definitely would have brought things back for her. I picture what I think she would look like, what I think her giggle would sound like, and how she would look all excited for the holidays. Then, I think of how thankful I am that at least I still have her urn and the things from the memorial. My beautiful baby who will never see a holiday.
I’m guessing she heard the noise of my best friend’s family Christmas celebration. I’m guessing, too, that she was happy, because she was definitely active. That celebration was probably her last memory, for lack of better terms. I felt sick that day, but nothing major. Just a little like I had a stomach virus. It’s hard, still, to believe that the baby was gone a day and a half later.
So, yes. I am not feeling festive. I might not even go to the holiday celebration this year. My mind is filled with memories of last year. The joy I felt when I found out I was pregnant, the love we all had already for that child, and the anticipation of what our lives would be like. The terrible end of the holiday season last year haunts me, though. I’d rather this year’s holidays pass without having to give them a nod.