My holiday depression has reared its ugly head, and it is bringing a renewed problem with cutting. This is something I’ve had more of a problem with this year than in a while. Right now, it’s particularly bad. The cuts are deeper than typical, as I’ve had trouble actually *feeling* the blade, even when I could hear it cut through. It’s a focus– something to stop my mind spinning. Cuts are deepened, scars are re-opened, and proof of my life is there on my arms.
My feelings vacillate between absolute numbness and complete overwhelm. It’s chaotic. SI breaks the numbness through the pain and blood. In the day, the pain of bending my arm and the feeling of the cuts rubbing on my sleeves gives me a focus other than what’s going on around me. When things get far too overwhelming, I can just concentrate on the pain, the one constant in my life right now.