I’ve always felt like my therapist has some sort of power and/or authority over me. I’ve been seeing her for almost four years, and she is amazing. She’s made me more comfortable than I ever thought a therapist could. Still, there is an imbalance in any therapist-to-client relationship. Clients tell therapists their deepest secrets (sometimes), but we know very little about them. It’s difficult, in the case of someone with my SRA background, to trust that this person won’t use my vulnerabilities against me.
Which brings me to the central focus of this post: for the first time ever, I lost my composure and cried in front of the therapist on Monday. I’m not sure how this will affect our relationship. On her end, I’m guessing nothing has changed. On my end, however, she has even more power over me now. I’ve seen people bloody *killed* for crying. And no, it isn’t that I think my therapist is going to kill me. I just don’t like having shown her so much vulnerability. I don’t cry much anyway, and it’s always mortifying to me. It makes me feel silly and childish. I was, afterall, trained quite well to suppress that sort of emotional response. What the cult didn’t do my mother completed in this regard. She saw crying as something to ridicule or punish.
My next appointment is in early January, and I really am curious as to how things between the therapist and me will change. At this point, I’m guessing I’ll be more cautious of her. If there are major problems, we’ll discuss it. If not, perhaps we can just move on as if this bit never happened.