Sliding in to Darkness

Eating disorders truly do function like addictions.  You get drawn in to the behaviour, and it takes over.  It thinks for you, acts for you, and demands your obedience.  I feel that now, as I slide down this chute.

What started out as a 1000 calorie limit quickly fell to 600.  Today, reaching the 300 calorie mark took effort.  Keeping track of the numbers both helps and hurts.  I fixate on those numbers.  Without them, however, I’d probably be terrified to eat anything without getting rid of it one way or another.  For now, I’ll take fixation.  I *know* my body needs fuel, but knowing and doing are so often far apart.  The therapist explained it like batteries; at 1000 calories, you’re getting the absolute bare minimum just to keep the batteries at their lowest charge.  It’s scary, even from within this disorder, to think what struggling toward 300 must do.

My entire life has become about food.  The first thing I do each morning is plan the day’s intake.  I measure success or failure based on that.  Yesterday was the purge without the binge, which is why today’s numbers are so low.  Restricting seems a little less disgusting than purging, and it’s somewhat easier to hide.  I don’t get the cuts on the knuckles, swollen cheeks, red eyes bit that comes with purging.  My sense of worth is caught up in this.  If I do get really hungry, I look at my image in the mirror to remind myself of the disgust I feel towards my body, the lack of discipline and control it shows.

I’m torn.  Part of me (and I don’t mean this in a dissociative sense) sees the danger and damage.  Another part of me sees the number on the scale going down.  Part of me feels that the behaviour has took over.  Part of me feels that it shows the ultimate in self control.  Part of me wants desperately to crawl back out of this.  Another part feels deserving of it.  I’d be lying if I didn’t point out these divisions.

So, that leaves me feeling stranded in this with no idea where to go for help or even if I would accept the help.  In some way, I’m terrified to give this up and start eating in a more ‘normal’ way.  In short, I’m floundering here.  I have no idea what to do other than to watch and wait and see what happens from here.

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5 thoughts on “Sliding in to Darkness

  1. Dear English, I’m not going to try and think of some clever response – words would not be adequate. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I am across the pond and thinking of you! Jean x

  2. I offer gentle hugs and safe love. I don’t know if this would help or not…about the scale. I found that, if I do not use the scale, I would lose all sense of where my body is. That applies whether I am gaining or losing. I choose a 5 to 10 pound range that I know is within the guidelines for my age and height. Then I make that my goal. The scale will tell me if I am pushing either end. Yes, it does mean I live “by the numbers”. But that has helped me. Don’t know if it would help you or not. Oh, and the mirror…I only use it to fix my hair and make sure my clothing is on properly and modestly. I purposefully, intentionally avoid looking at myself in the buff or evaluating my physical size.

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