Last night was an exercise in psychosis. I have a recurring hallucination– a man in a long khaki coat stands in the corner and demands my blood. He tells me there are dead people under my bed who, at his command, will rise up and drag me under with them. When this is happening, it is so very real to me. I’ve sliced up my arms and gathered blood on the knife to bring to him. I’ve rubbed the blood on my pillows, walls, blankets, et c all to appease him. Once I’ve offered my blood, he disappears. The fear does not.
The hallucination was a bit different last night. The man wasn’t there, but I was keenly aware of the dead people under my bed. For the first time, two of them came out from under the bed to find me. One literally flew at me and grabbed me round the neck. I felt the pressure as he tried to strangle me, and I quite literally choked. Once I got free of him, another body slid up from under the bed. It slithered over the side of the mattress and covered me. I felt the weight on my chest, the chill of the dead hand, and the inability to move even slightly. I tried reminding myself that this wasn’t real, but, in the moment, it *is* real to me. As real as the laptop on which I’m typing this post. Fortunately, I have a very understanding neighbour who doesn’t mind when I arrive in the middle of the night to escape hallucinations. Safe and warm in her house, I finally fell asleep for an hour or so.
Hopefully, this will stop once the risperidone gets evened out in my body. The food issues have been disturbing my metabolism, I know. The psychiatrist tells me he thinks the meds will stop any psychosis. He says the hallucinations and delusions might well be tied to complex PTSD, rather than to bipolar disorder. If that’s the case, the antipsychotic combined with the mood stabiliser should provide the proper amount of sedation to calm my anxiety and clear my thought processes. Mental illness can be a difficult battle sometimes, but the only choice is to do the best you can to move forward. Here’s hoping this treatment plan actually works for me.