I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between. ~ Sylvia Plath
Every now and then my wonky brain reminds me that, in spite of the myriad of other possibilities, I do have bipolar disorder. This would be one of those times. I feel like I’ve been sliding on a helter skelter since Saturday night. Saturday was the top of the spiral. My best friend and I had an *amazing* day. Over the course of that day, I felt the somewhat manic pace of my brain bumbling about but decided it was probably just excitement. By the end of the evening, however, my thoughts were coming so rapidly that I had to focus on small things like drawing just to be able to think at all.
Sunday started similarly. About midday, however, the crash began. It was one of those bumpy descents that threatened to even out, only to fall lower the next round. By Sunday night, I was so depressed that texting my best friend seemed to take too much energy. And I don’t miss a minute of texting him. Not to be outdone, however, Monday brought back the helter skelter. In the bipolar vernacular, there is a debated pattern called ultradian cycling. This is when a person cycles between euphoric highs and deep depressions over a 24-hour period. Mental health professionals debate the existence of this pattern. They would not debate it if they bloody felt it.
Mind you, things have settled back in to a lovely depression today. The type that makes the sun seem darker somehow and any chance of happiness is destroyed by whatever thought it happens to bring. Couple that with thoughts that still won’t stop racing and a variety of psychotic symptoms, and you get a semi-functional unfocused me who takes well over an hour to write a simple blog post. I suppose that’s still loads better than not functioning at all. Optimism at its finest (and most sarcastic).