The Tip of the Scale

Apparently, this significant anniversary of my sister’s death is going to be more problematic than typical years.  It’s been two weeks, and things aren’t improving.  The nightmares are still happening, the flashbacks are still interrupting my day, and the desperation is still a constant thought.  I will bring this to my therapist tomorrow, but tonight it’s overwhelming me.  I’m not sure what to do with the intensity of the emotions, and I’m not sure how to deal with the fact that they are lasting this long.  The black and white answer is that I simply endure.  One foot in front of the other, as I told a very depressed friend recently.  Easier said than done.

With this tip of the scale, my sister’s death seems more significant than her life.  She lived twelve years; she has been dead for thirteen.  It’s like my worst fear realised– her death has been a fact longer than her life.  She feels so far away.  It’s like her existence is fading.  Like her energy has dissipated beyond existence.  I don’t know what happens after we die, but I’ve always hoped that at least *some* version of ourselves lives on.  But for how long?  When is that essence gone?  Does it even exist in the first place?  While the scale was tipped in the ‘positive’ side, I seemed to retain some hope in my sister’s life.  Now, it feels like she is lost forever in every form possible.  It’s like she went from an entity to an apparition, all with one slide of a balance.

I just want to hold on to some part of her, but that feels impossible now.  Perhaps it’s false hope finally breaking.  Whatever it is, though, I just hope it leaves some small piece of her behind.  Right now, it feels like I’m losing her all over again, and I don’t think I can take that loss.  Twelve years was so very short, and thirteen so very long.

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2 thoughts on “The Tip of the Scale

  1. I have read this and now I feel obliged to comment. I am a woman of faith..faith in God. Yes, He does exist. I believe our only hope is in His loving mercy and grace. I also believe your sister, who was just a child when she passed is in Heaven. That should give you the hope you so desperately need now. I don’t have answers to everything and I don’t know why God allows things to happen the way they do but I do trust His divine authority. I am aware that you are a victim of SRA so I do not know if you have been brainwashed not to believe in God because really, Satan knows God exists. I will pray that you have some peace about your sister. Jesus came for ” the least of these” and was only about love. His love is unconditional and ever lasting. Hold on to that hope and you will see peace revealed in your own life. I believe it. Meanwhile, I know you have obstacles in your life that seem insurmountable but you seem to have a tenacity that has kept you alive thusfar. You are a brave person who is also compassionate and caring. I see you as a conqueror who will thrive because of what you have been through. There is no telling what you can accomplish. Look at this life as a race…as a labyrinth of sorts…or better yet, watch the trilogy of The Lord of the Ring…it will give you some idea of just exactly how good vs.evil in all of life and that good will win out in the end…and that end has not come for neither you nor I, yet. It may be a work of fiction but it has a deeper meaning if you are willing to look at it closely.

    • Thank you for your comment and your kind words. While I do not share your religious denomination, I appreciate the sentiment and am glad you have found peace in your beliefs.

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