For the past few weeks, I’ve been having this odd weepy feeling. The feelings come on very suddenly and leave almost as quickly. In the moment, I feel close to bursting in to tears with no real idea of what’s prompting the feeling. It’s a haunting sense of longing that I can’t quite place.
And then there’s the wailing. It’s this constant chanted mantra of ‘I want things to be like they were before.’ Sometimes, the voice is very quiet and the feeling is completely one of longing. Sometimes, the voice is an actual wail, full of panic and pain. It comes from the very depths of my consciousness, and it leaves me feeling weak. The weepy feelings spring from this sort of primal reaction, I know, but I don’t know the actual cause. Which makes working to heal it only slightly difficult.
I need to identify what ‘like they were before’ means. It could be any number of things. There are the major changes– transatlantic move, deaths, et c. And there are the more minor changes that became major in my mind– changes in relationships, my best friend moving to a new part of the city, et c. There are many, many ‘befores’ in everyone’s life. Some of mine are just a bit more pronounced than average.
As I mentioned a few posts back, the bit with my best friend’s moving to a new house in a new part of the town has been a rather large upset in my life. I recognise part of that as feeding in to the current issues. Quite some time before he moved, his mother had already moved out. That was the point when the home I knew there broke. I didn’t realise, at the time, that things would never go back to how they were in the flat before she moved. That’s led to a feeling like unexpected loss. Things changed forever without a thought of it; I didn’t know those last days before she moved would be the last days when things were as they had been when my best friend’s flat was home to me.
Herein lies an issue with temporal space. My logical mind knows that, regardless of where he lives, I am at home with my best friend. It is the person, not the space, that makes me safe. Living with him and his mother gave me a sense of safety I’d never known before, though. It’s the only time when the Really Bad People did not know my location. It was the only time I’ve truly been free. With that gone, and the recent hacking away at my space done by the Really Bad People, I feel like I have no steady ground. And I feel like I never even saw the steady ground fading away. I guess the longing isn’t so hard to understand.
There are so many causes for longing, but this is more acute than the grief bits. They factor in, of course, but this is a longing for something that still exists– a sense of safety from the Really Bad People. It’s just outside the realm of possibility.