Release *graphic*

Again– *graphic*  If you’re triggered by discussions of self-injury or are in a vulnerable state this might not be the post for you.

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To say that things haven’t been going well lately is to understate more than I’ve done in quite some time.  The present is becoming alarmingly like the past.  I’m stuck in a bad situation with the knowledge of that but no ability to leave it.  Making the best is typically well enough to get through.  These days, however, the best hasn’t been enough to keep me going.  I’m not suicidal– I couldn’t do that to those I love– but I wouldn’t mind if I died not of my own accord.

Things got to be too much today, and I *needed* to see blood.  I needed to feel that release as the blood turned from warm to cold on my skin.  I needed to feel *something* other than chaos and nervousness and sadness.  After a particularly nasty argument with a housemate this morning that had already turned physical, I didn’t think I’d be able to wait the two or so hours until I could sneak away in to my room and find that release.

As someone who’s had this problem for quite some time, I’ve learnt to do things as safely as possible.  This time, however, it went a bit too far.  Blood ran down my arm, but I kept cutting that same spot until one plaster couldn’t stop the blood.  Or two.  Or three.  Or four.  I was terrified at the thought that someone might catch me.  I had broken in to a sweat, and my arm was on fire.  That hand was much whiter than the other.  It wasn’t meant to go this far.  It was *not* a suicide attempt.  Not thinking about being silent or doing things methodically, I kept opening and piling on plasters until the blood stop running through.

So how do I feel now?  Like doing the whole bit all over again.  I feel like the ugliness isn’t out yet and the darkness is still too visible.  Blood can be cleaned.  All of my SI scars can be covered by t-shirts, as I’m careful to keep it on my upper arms.  That stuff doesn’t show.  The ugliness of the current situation and the shame of the past is what seems to show through.

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2 thoughts on “Release *graphic*

  1. Hey there! I just wanted to drop by and give you a few encouraging words. Life is really rough. I’ve been through a lot and I am sure you have too. I cut for so long because I felt that was the only way to release everything that was going on. This world can be nasty and I’m sure you know that, but there is hope all around you. If I can do anything to help let me know.

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