Yesterday was supposed to be my first therapy session talking about sexual trauma. We did discuss it in very academic tones, but a great deal of the session was devoted to preparing for this. We had to discuss a safety plan of sorts for the self injury. The therapist suggested that I write out affirmations about how my body deserves to be nurtured because of what it has been through and that I read those when the urge to cut gets strong. At the time, it seemed very helpful. Now it just seems like a lie I’ll be forced to tell myself. Perhaps that was the point– to keep reading it until I believe it.
The problem is the urges are getting stronger and are actually ‘progressing’ to suicidal feelings. All day today I’ve concentrated on how I could go through with it. I’ve thought about the knife slipping a little deeply down my forearm, about the pills in the drawer that could help me slip away. I’m fighting the thoughts, but it’s difficult when they are so present. I’ve emailed and texted friends, not mentioning suicidal feelings. Just making connections and distracting myself all at the same time. This is not a healthy or safe place to be.
As I told the therapist yesterday, I feel like an adolescent girl with a razor and a Sylvia Plath book. A request for you, my dear readers– if you are in your mid-twenties or older and have a problem with self-injury, email me at email@example.com Only if you feel like sharing, of course. I feel very alone in terms of struggling with this issue as an adult, and I’d like to hear from others who are dealing with it. Many thanks in advance. Also, remember that your emails will be as confidential as you want. I don’t even need your actual age if you’d prefer not to give it.
Peace to us all.