I came home unexpectedly today.  A few nights ago, I woke up unexpectedly in hospital after having taken what I thought was a fatal overdose.  The combination of a lengthy depressive episode and a bad living situation that I can’t escape got to be too much for me, and I attempted to end my life.  Yet now I’m here, typing a blog post I never thought I’d write on a day I never thought I’d see.

Even though the attempt didn’t work, I hurt a great deal of people.  Most of all, I hurt my FOC.  These are the people who taught me family and who expect me to be there for them.  I let them down, and I’ll have to live with that.  How do you apologise enough?  How do you win back the trust of those who never deserved to be put in this situation?  How do you learn to live with the guilt?  I’m wrestling with these questions now.  Nothing I can do will make up for what I put people through, but I’ll do my best.

There’s also therapy– loads of it.  I’m having daily sessions, at least by phone, and working hard at setting things right.  It will take a while; I’m not completely happy to be here yet.  I can, however, say that I’m not a danger to myself.  My therapist told me to hold on to the feeling of pain brought on by putting my FOC through this, and that is a great motivator for staying alive.  In the past, it’s always been enough to see me through.  This time, however, my current situation won out.  My FOC do *not* deserve this.

I’m not sure how to move forward from here.  Slowly, of course, but the path is unclear.  I’ve given my word to two of the most important people in my FOC for the first time, and I keep my word.  Suicide is no longer an option.  In a strange sense, that leaves me feeling helpless.  What can I do if things get to be too much again? That question might well go unanswered for a bit.  Much therapy yet to come.

So I’m here.  And I’m working on it.  For now, that’s all I can do.


8 thoughts on “Here

  1. Thank you for sharing. Shocking enough it was the same situation I found myself in September. My method was not medication but it involved me being admitted. I find it shocking and almost obscene that now due your survival you have to apologize because they are hurt. Don’t get me wrong they can feel what they want to feel but to expect an apology I dunno.

    I myself think we you know what I am hurt as well. Hurt that I was suffering for so long and it wasn’t taken seriously. Hurt that I was told that I am over reacting. Hurt that you have the nerve to sit there and judge my character while you did nothing while I was drowning emotionally.

    I say to you learn from this experience and recognize the early signs of depression and reach out. Keep fighting because you are worth it.

    • Thanks. I don’t think my FOC were expecting an apology. I just feel compelled to offer one and a tremendous amount of guilt for putting them in this situation in the first place. It’s all on me.

      Wishing you the best in your fight, as well. It’s a hard climb.

      • My people weren’t either but the way they were talking to me really gave an indication they did. Phrases like, “Why did you so this? Didn’t you think about how I would feel?” To me these things are just contributing to the negativity you already feel. I even had my own doctor tell me, “Don’t you think you were being silly?” This was a day after my attempt and like you, existing was surreal to me since the next day was not something I accounted for.

        In that dark moment I felt alone. More than anything I needed comfort or something to take the edge off the sadness. Depression is something you can see if people pay attention. Its just most people don’t for numerous reasons.

      • I *hate* the ‘didn’t you know how this would make me feel’ comment. Like we don’t already feel guilty enough, right?!? Your characterisation of existing as surreal is spot on. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Almost in shock at being here. Thanks so much for your comments.

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