I’ve been in a bipolar depressive episode for five weeks with about two days’ reprieve. Things are black. The sun doesn’t even look bright. I’m so tired of feeling like this. My doctor is trying me on an anti-depressant with the thought that the potential for a manic episode is not worth letting the depressive episode carry on like this. In the meantime, *everything* is falling apart. I got in trouble at work, gained weight I’d lost, and just generally stopped caring enough to take care of myself.
This lands me where I am today. I feel disgusting inside and out. My disordered eating patterns are back. The self-injurious behaviour is back. I just generally don’t care what happens to my body right now. My mind is too far from settled to give it thought.
I stay around for those I love and those who love me back. I stay for my cats who are my little furry children. I stay for my family-of-choice who I couldn’t hurt the way being a survivor of suicide does. I’m just tired of staying right now.