Hiding

So the food issues are back full circle now.  I want to write about the behaviours, but someone will undoubtedly find this blog and use them to further their own bulimia or anorexia.  Suffice to say there is alot of hiding going on.  Food has become the enemy, but it’s all I can think about.  I worry in advance about this weekend, as I know my best friend and I will be going out to eat.  I’m trying to plan ahead, thinking of the least caloric thing at every fast food place I can imagine.  I’m trying to figure out how to avoid eating at all during the day on Friday and Saturday to make up for the evening.  And I’m trying so hard to hide this from my best friend, to keep it from affecting his life.

Everything I eat seems like failure.  If I feel full, I also feel guilty.  I’m exercising a great deal each day, hoping the calories I’m consuming will burn away.  And I know this is so bad for me.  I know the results of restricting calories tremendously whilst exercising heavily.  It scares me, but I can’t overcome it.  Part of me wants desperately for this to stop; another part of me truly believes it will when I feel small enough.  It’s a downward spiral, and it’s getting deeper every day.

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